May 1/95
Wow, I got up a little later then I thought, not even hearing the alarm. All the kids were up when I left and I was late in leaving. Got here early & read the paper. Had Check In & Process Group. One of the ladies was talking about kids & the fact she can't have more. Linda asked me about it & I lost it & opened up. It was good but I was really scarred & didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted to run & hide. Did the goal setting & one of mine was to ask for time in group. I don't know if I can but we will see. I want to but am afraid. Lunch was late & I didn't care if I ate more or not. It finally came and it was a struggle to eat it, but I did. We got half way thru menu planning & I had a message to call home. My babysitter was sick so I ended up coming home. That was OK as I got to spend more time with the kids. Got them dinner & I ate with them even fish! Bathed them, & headed off to a meeting. I thought it started at 7:00 but it was 7:30, so I went for a wondeful 20min walk. Came home and ate my ensure.
May 2/95
Got up and got ready. I drove in today, lots of traffic. My weight went up and so did my skin folds. I am angry and feel fat!! I want to restrict. I've got 2 voices again and I want to go home. I am soooo anorexic today. I cannot handle being over X lbs, but I don't know why. I know intellectually its feelings, but I want to restrict. I battled with one of the therapists in Anti-Anorexia Group. I am so angry at everything. One person had to step out for a week. I hope she'll be OK. I'll miss her. I argued with the dietician & I disagree with her. I feel like she's not "hearing" me, but it's my choice not to eat & that includes the Ensures. Maybe I'll ask her about Carnation Instant Breakfast. I don't want to be here. I'm just waiting for lunch, veg. spagetti. I'm not hungry & don't want to eat. I was tired so I went on the couch to sleep. Ate lunch it was gross. I had an extra starch & was still angry. The dietician asked me how it was and I said "sh**ty". She said "why"? I said "I feel like you aren't hearing me." Cleaned up & went back to group. There was a note on my chair. My babysitter had taken the kids to my cousin's. I went to phone right away but there was no answer at home & the line was busy at my cousins. I didn't feel good. I had to hear what was going on. I asked Linda if I could miss relaxation and she said yes. She said you probably won't relax anyway, and I said your right. Grabbed my coat and left & said I would see them on Thur. The dietician wanted to see me later but I said no. I eventually saw her and argued. I felt a little that she was hearing me on my drive home. I was trying to figure out why I am so angry & VERY anorexic. I feel the same way as I did the first week I was here. Its because of change. A new dietician coming & Linda coming & my babysitter being sick & I dont' feel safe about the kids. I don't feel safe in the group. Its so kaotic. Now what to do? I got the kids and got them ready for bed. I ate 100% but missed an Ensure.
May 6/95
Still didn't sleep well. I didn't want to get out of bed. I am so tired!! Got up & showered. Got kids dressed & breaky. I had mine & started laundry. We signed Craig up for soccer,he's so excited. We went to the Home Show and Children's Festival. It was nice to do a family thing, but we were there longer then I wanted to be. I've been feeling b****y & grumpy all day & I am not sure why yet. We came home & had lunch. Then left for my mom's. My sister was already there. Brent got his presents & the kids played. We had dinner. I was so uncomfortable. Nobody said anything but it felt like everyone was watching me. I left right away! I had some birthday cake & it was awful. I only ate it for Brent. My sister and I are going to talk next Saturday. We came home and I still felt b****y. Finally got kids to bed. I started reading the paper. I think I've been crabby cause nothing went on schedule, I didn't have time for ME, I need that. I realize that now. I ate & drank 100%.
May 8/95
I got up and got ready. Justine was up when I left. I was really tired so when I got to St. Pauls I crashed on the couch. Had process group. It was OK. Found out there will be a guy coming to join us. I thought it wouldn't bother me but it does. I feel very uncomfortable about it. Then we had goals, lunch and shopping for gourmet club. We had thought attack in the afternoon, it was ok. When I got home everyone was crying. I was able to settle everyone down. I'm afraid my babysitter is going to leave, and then I will have to drop out. I didn't want to have dinner, but I ate it anyway. I am so damn tired. I ate 100%.
May 9/95
I'm still tired. Craig got up once and so did Justine. I was awake at 4:45am. I didn't want to be late for the bus. Got up & washed my face. As I was finishing, Justine woke up. I was able to put her back to sleep.
I was ready in time to catch the bus. I am now on the bus and I feel no different then the last time. I am at the back, surrounded by men. I feel uncomfortable with that, altho I am sure they won't hurt me. I feel they are all staring at me. Got weighed today. I went up a little in skinfolds and weight. I feel OK because I didn't gain alot. Anorexia would like to have lost, and I guess I would too. Our groups were OK. I started by saying that 2 people have given up their laxatives. They said it was due partly because of me. It made me feel good, I helped someone. I was stuffed at lunch. I feel I don't need dinner. I am looking forward to relaxation group. We will be meeting with the new dietician in June. We had nutrition group, and we were suppose to make a menu and write out our fear foods. My menu was the same for every day. We have family group today as well. It went ok. Came home and got the kids ready for bed. Had dinner at 8:15pm. Now I am bagged and so tired. I'm going to bed early. I ate 100% less one ensure.
May 10/95
Justine got up about 1/2 hour after I got to bed. I didn't get a good sleep even tho she didn't wake up till 6:00. I got up around 7:00 still tired. Got kids dressed and took Craig to school. I didn't want to eat anyway. Got back and shared my breaky with Brent and Justine. I didn't care. Went and did a few errands. Came home and had my lunch. I have not eaten 100% or had any ensures today and a big part of me doesn't care. I read my journal to J. about Dr. C. she was impressed and I also told her about the sexual abuse that I remembered. She told me I needed to talk about it. I know I do, but I'm not ready. I told her how I felt about my weight & I can't handle it. She had some good advice. Maybe its because at X pounds or less pounds I felt anorexic and now at X pounds, I've lost anorexia. Its possible. I went to see Dr. H. and read her my journal. She thought it was powerful and even started to think about how attached I'm getting to her. I know I'm attached but I don't think its as much as with Dr. C. She promised me she would always be there for me. I need to take some time in group about Dr. C. I'm still having a hard time understanding why he doesn't write. If only I could accept that I haven't done something wrong, that I am worthwhile, that I'm not fat, that we are still friends, and it was something he promised. Maybe I am angry at him because he hasn't kept his promise. He doesn't have my letters returned, to me so I am assuming he's OK with me writing. I need to know if it would be OK/proper to write to him and tell him about what I discovered in group & wrote in my journal. I know I have to face my fears in order to regain my life. To do that I would have to tell Dr. C. I am scarred and don't know what to do. I also need to know why I am following in the same foot steps with Dr. H. eventhough its a little different. I didn't have any ensures and I missed a few things today.
Wow, I got up a little later then I thought, not even hearing the alarm. All the kids were up when I left and I was late in leaving. Got here early & read the paper. Had Check In & Process Group. One of the ladies was talking about kids & the fact she can't have more. Linda asked me about it & I lost it & opened up. It was good but I was really scarred & didn't want to feel anything. I just wanted to run & hide. Did the goal setting & one of mine was to ask for time in group. I don't know if I can but we will see. I want to but am afraid. Lunch was late & I didn't care if I ate more or not. It finally came and it was a struggle to eat it, but I did. We got half way thru menu planning & I had a message to call home. My babysitter was sick so I ended up coming home. That was OK as I got to spend more time with the kids. Got them dinner & I ate with them even fish! Bathed them, & headed off to a meeting. I thought it started at 7:00 but it was 7:30, so I went for a wondeful 20min walk. Came home and ate my ensure.
May 2/95
Got up and got ready. I drove in today, lots of traffic. My weight went up and so did my skin folds. I am angry and feel fat!! I want to restrict. I've got 2 voices again and I want to go home. I am soooo anorexic today. I cannot handle being over X lbs, but I don't know why. I know intellectually its feelings, but I want to restrict. I battled with one of the therapists in Anti-Anorexia Group. I am so angry at everything. One person had to step out for a week. I hope she'll be OK. I'll miss her. I argued with the dietician & I disagree with her. I feel like she's not "hearing" me, but it's my choice not to eat & that includes the Ensures. Maybe I'll ask her about Carnation Instant Breakfast. I don't want to be here. I'm just waiting for lunch, veg. spagetti. I'm not hungry & don't want to eat. I was tired so I went on the couch to sleep. Ate lunch it was gross. I had an extra starch & was still angry. The dietician asked me how it was and I said "sh**ty". She said "why"? I said "I feel like you aren't hearing me." Cleaned up & went back to group. There was a note on my chair. My babysitter had taken the kids to my cousin's. I went to phone right away but there was no answer at home & the line was busy at my cousins. I didn't feel good. I had to hear what was going on. I asked Linda if I could miss relaxation and she said yes. She said you probably won't relax anyway, and I said your right. Grabbed my coat and left & said I would see them on Thur. The dietician wanted to see me later but I said no. I eventually saw her and argued. I felt a little that she was hearing me on my drive home. I was trying to figure out why I am so angry & VERY anorexic. I feel the same way as I did the first week I was here. Its because of change. A new dietician coming & Linda coming & my babysitter being sick & I dont' feel safe about the kids. I don't feel safe in the group. Its so kaotic. Now what to do? I got the kids and got them ready for bed. I ate 100% but missed an Ensure.
May 6/95
Still didn't sleep well. I didn't want to get out of bed. I am so tired!! Got up & showered. Got kids dressed & breaky. I had mine & started laundry. We signed Craig up for soccer,he's so excited. We went to the Home Show and Children's Festival. It was nice to do a family thing, but we were there longer then I wanted to be. I've been feeling b****y & grumpy all day & I am not sure why yet. We came home & had lunch. Then left for my mom's. My sister was already there. Brent got his presents & the kids played. We had dinner. I was so uncomfortable. Nobody said anything but it felt like everyone was watching me. I left right away! I had some birthday cake & it was awful. I only ate it for Brent. My sister and I are going to talk next Saturday. We came home and I still felt b****y. Finally got kids to bed. I started reading the paper. I think I've been crabby cause nothing went on schedule, I didn't have time for ME, I need that. I realize that now. I ate & drank 100%.
May 8/95
I got up and got ready. Justine was up when I left. I was really tired so when I got to St. Pauls I crashed on the couch. Had process group. It was OK. Found out there will be a guy coming to join us. I thought it wouldn't bother me but it does. I feel very uncomfortable about it. Then we had goals, lunch and shopping for gourmet club. We had thought attack in the afternoon, it was ok. When I got home everyone was crying. I was able to settle everyone down. I'm afraid my babysitter is going to leave, and then I will have to drop out. I didn't want to have dinner, but I ate it anyway. I am so damn tired. I ate 100%.
May 9/95
I'm still tired. Craig got up once and so did Justine. I was awake at 4:45am. I didn't want to be late for the bus. Got up & washed my face. As I was finishing, Justine woke up. I was able to put her back to sleep.
I was ready in time to catch the bus. I am now on the bus and I feel no different then the last time. I am at the back, surrounded by men. I feel uncomfortable with that, altho I am sure they won't hurt me. I feel they are all staring at me. Got weighed today. I went up a little in skinfolds and weight. I feel OK because I didn't gain alot. Anorexia would like to have lost, and I guess I would too. Our groups were OK. I started by saying that 2 people have given up their laxatives. They said it was due partly because of me. It made me feel good, I helped someone. I was stuffed at lunch. I feel I don't need dinner. I am looking forward to relaxation group. We will be meeting with the new dietician in June. We had nutrition group, and we were suppose to make a menu and write out our fear foods. My menu was the same for every day. We have family group today as well. It went ok. Came home and got the kids ready for bed. Had dinner at 8:15pm. Now I am bagged and so tired. I'm going to bed early. I ate 100% less one ensure.
May 10/95
Justine got up about 1/2 hour after I got to bed. I didn't get a good sleep even tho she didn't wake up till 6:00. I got up around 7:00 still tired. Got kids dressed and took Craig to school. I didn't want to eat anyway. Got back and shared my breaky with Brent and Justine. I didn't care. Went and did a few errands. Came home and had my lunch. I have not eaten 100% or had any ensures today and a big part of me doesn't care. I read my journal to J. about Dr. C. she was impressed and I also told her about the sexual abuse that I remembered. She told me I needed to talk about it. I know I do, but I'm not ready. I told her how I felt about my weight & I can't handle it. She had some good advice. Maybe its because at X pounds or less pounds I felt anorexic and now at X pounds, I've lost anorexia. Its possible. I went to see Dr. H. and read her my journal. She thought it was powerful and even started to think about how attached I'm getting to her. I know I'm attached but I don't think its as much as with Dr. C. She promised me she would always be there for me. I need to take some time in group about Dr. C. I'm still having a hard time understanding why he doesn't write. If only I could accept that I haven't done something wrong, that I am worthwhile, that I'm not fat, that we are still friends, and it was something he promised. Maybe I am angry at him because he hasn't kept his promise. He doesn't have my letters returned, to me so I am assuming he's OK with me writing. I need to know if it would be OK/proper to write to him and tell him about what I discovered in group & wrote in my journal. I know I have to face my fears in order to regain my life. To do that I would have to tell Dr. C. I am scarred and don't know what to do. I also need to know why I am following in the same foot steps with Dr. H. eventhough its a little different. I didn't have any ensures and I missed a few things today.
©Kim Ratcliffe