Feb. 27/95
Slept OK, but I feel really tired. I thought the laxative would have worked by now, but it hasn't. Got the kids ready & I am off to the babysitters and to St. Pauls Hospital. I was surprised with my weight. I did lose (close to 1 pound), but I wanted to lose more. My skin folds dropped again. I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel great, on the other I don't. I wish I could just maintain. I had my muffins on the way home. Now I've had a bun & a little peanut butter. I'm going out for a fast walk & get rid of this. Had a good walk. Just finished feeding Brent some lunch. I nibbles while getting dinner ready. I really binged at dinner. I have had 1200 calories today. I will go & walk it off. If I had any laxatives I would have use them. I got the kids ready for bed, then I went for a walk and then to the grocery store. Came home and made a salad. I guess my binge is over for a while. I know I'll go back to restricting. I'll be getting lots of exercise tomorrow. I'm also going to see Dr. Howitt. I still feel fat & I don't want to gain any more weight.
Mar. 3/95
Had a lousy sleep. I am angry because I had to do all the work with the kids, he never seems to help me!! The kids and I went out for a bit, and when we came home we had lunch. I did good. A muffin, salad & a little peanut butter. Then I folded laundry, cleaned up more and sat down to watch my show. It's 3:00pm now and so far I have had 350 calories. I feel good about that. I'm real tired today & I still have dinner to do, baths, bed, & grocery shopping. Dinner was OK. Now I h ave had in total 650 calories. I did good at dinner. I left for groceries. I bought my "Starbucks" coffee & had my 4 natural laxatives at 7:30pm. When I made my salad, I nibbles a bit. I certainly didn't have many calories & I didn't eat anythng else. I did real good today. I have only 2 more days left until i weigh in. I just have to lose more weight. Next week I really want to try & do better, but I will not get FAT!!
Mar. 9/95
Didn't sleep great. I had to get all the kids ready again. I had a little bran & 1/2 a tea biscuit. I really shouldn't have eaten the biscuit. I can't HANDLE anything new. I'm worried about Craig & his chicken pox. I'm taking him to the doctors. I have such a head ache. I am also worried about finding someone to watch the kids, for the program I am suppose to do. I vacuumed this morning. I wish I could find a faster way to purge this food. God, how I HATE myself & I feel so FAT. I'm so tired & depressed. I just finished lunch, a muffin, little salad & a 1/4 cup of cottage cheese. All I wanted was the muffin. I shouldn't have had the salad or cottage cheese, why did I eat those??? I need my laxatives. So far I have had 250 calories. I didn't go to the lunch support program, as I didn't feel up to it. I didn't want anyone to watch me eat. Had my meetings with 2 people, it went OK. I just have to hang on to eating 3 meals a day. Had dinner, which was a bran muffin, & 1/4 slice toast. Total calories today is 500 (that's being generous). Got the kids ready for bed, then into bed. I wish I could help Craig. He has chicken pox so
bad. There was a message on my machine from a lady, saying that she knows someone is interested in doing my day care. I sure hope it works out. Went grocery shopping, came home & made my salad. I am ready to watch ER. I will try again to watch what I eat tomorrow.
Mar.15/95
I still didn't sleep well. I'm real tired. Fed the kids breakfast and I had 1/4cup of bran & hot water. Started my laundry and took Craig to school. I'm so tired that I didn't take the long way home. My lunch was bran muffin, and a whole wheat bagel with peanut butter (350calories). My stomach is killing me, I think it might be the prodium. The woman who is going to do my daycare is coming by to see the kids. It went well and I am glad. Got dinner going. The prodium is working!! My dinner was a bran muffin, little salad, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, and 4 bites of some pancakes (225 calories). In total I had 625. Another good day!
Mar. 17/95
Didn't get much sleep, and I am still tired. I had my usual bran (50 calories) & 2 bites of an oatmeal muffin. Took Craig to school. I took the other 2 kids to play group. Picked Craig up from school and then got lunch. I had a bran muffin & 1/4 cup cottage cheese. I nibbled on a few M&M's & had 2 little oreo cookies, so far today I have had 300 calories. I am having the day care lady come over for a bit to watch the kids while I do some shopping. I bought a bagel and ate it, I felt so GUILTY. My stomach really hurts. Came home and made dinner. Boy did I BINGE. I had salad, cottage cheese, 2 graham crackers with peanut butter, cheese and more peanut butter crackers (490 calories). My stomach is REALLY hurting. It seems like I'm not digesting the food, cuz later on it gets better. Then I made popcorn cuz I have already blown it & feel so guilty and depressed (125 calories). Now I have just had 8 peanut butter crackers, mouthful of cottage cheese & some ice milk (125 calories). I took more prodium to get rid of this. In total today I have had 1340 calories. I haven't had that much in weeks!!!!!! I am so FAT and DISGUSTED with myself for eating that much. I know I haven't lost weight now for Monday. I hate myself and am so depressed!!
Mar. 20/95
Didn't sleep well. Again I am really tired. Got myself and the kids ready. The prodium is really working, been going all day. Dropped the kids off at the babysitters and headed down to St. Paul's. My weight was Xlbs. It dropped by 1lb. I was glad and relieved, I didn't think it would go down. I didn't get my skin folds done as Dr. B wasn't there, just as well!! I then went to visit a friend in the hospital. I had my lunch which was bran muffin, raisin scone with peanut butter, oatmeal muffin, far too much (450calories). Had a session with family therapist. It went OK. Got back home and started dinner. I BINGED. I had cheese, 2 rye toast, 2 peanut butter graham crackers, salad, cottage cheese, lite popcorn & a oatmeal muffin (700 calories). In total 1200 calories!! WE will get back to restricting tomorrow. I took more prodium, and my stomach is killing me.
Mar. 22/95
Sleep was a little better. Got up early and got the kids ready. I had my usual breaky bran & I had my once a week skim milk (100 calories). Started cleaning up. Had to lie Brent down he was miserable. I started
making my salad and I had a few veg. & a bite of a banana (25 calories). I took some prodium plus, hopefully that will work. I had a bran muffin for lunch (100 calories). I am going to see the dietician at St. Pauls, she seems nice. I will be on a weight gain menu. I tried to go on maintenance, but she didn't go for it. She doesn't bargain with anorexia. She is going to start me on the plan that I was having when I was in-patient at the hospital. At least it won't be more then that. I told her if it was going to be more, it would scare me off!! Came home and started dinner. Things went well with the babysitter, I am glad. I totally binged at dinner & just now. I feel so FAT, UGLY & DEPRESSED. I shouldn't have eaten so much, but I was trying to eat the meal plan that I will be on & challenge myself to eat a late snack. It didn't go well at all. I won't need breakfast. I need to go to the bathroom so bad. I will need more
prodium tomorrow. I must get rid of this food!! I am so ashamed of how much I ate, I can't write the calories (1500).
Mar. 29/95
Slept not bad, but I was so tired. Today is my YEAR anniversary, when I woke up & wanted to lose weight & I felt fat. I still feel the same today as I did 1 year ago. How ironic that its on Craig's birthday, why? He was so excited today he was up early. The day care woman came early to help out. I had my breakfast bran cereal & skim milk (50 calories). I started to clean up a little bit. I had a bran muffin for a snack (100 calories). Got the kids some lunch mine was, a bit of soup & crackers, chesse melted on bread, 1/2 piece of bread with peanut butter (300 calories). I was tired so I lied down for a bit. I started dinner. I had a bran muffin, cottage cheese, 1 piece of toast, little peanut butter, little skim milk, bite of a banana (300 calories). Dr. Howitt called, I don't have Mono, so I don't know why I am so tired. I am going to take some more prodium and have something to eat. I had lite popcorn (150 calories). It felt
like a binge this time. I feel like I've been eating alot again & I feel fat & gaining weight. I want to restrict tomorrow, but I keep trying cause I'll have to eat next week. In total I had 900 calories. It seems like alot. This is so hard!!
Mar. 30/95
I think I slept OK. I can't remember. I am writing this at 9:45pm. Brent is sick, tomorrow I will take him to the doctors. My throat is really sore too. Got up and got everyone dressed and fed. I had 1/2 cup bran cereal & skim milk (100 calories). Took Craig to school, and then I did some errands. After I picked Craig up, I headed over to the day care house. I went to a luncheon that was run by Health Unit close to where I live. I had a raisin bagel, salad & 1/2 cup cottage cheese (300 calories). Then I went to the bakery to pick up some more bagels, I ate one (200 calories). I talked with my therapist, and told her how well I have been doing in trying to increase my food intake & try new things. I'm so proud of myself for what I have accomplished so far this week. It feels great to eat and win over anorexia! I have been feeling good about myself lately. I know I have alot of hard work ahead of me, but surely it can only
get better. I know I'm going to gain weight, thats being realistic & altho I don't want to, I think I am OK with it, some what. I went over to see Dr. Howitt and told her how I have been doing. She was shocked, but happy. She also looked at my throat again. Dinner was a bagel, salad, cheese, cottage chees, lite popcorn, cake (700 calories). After the kids went to bed, I went grocery shopping. I had a chocolate shake (200 calories). In total I have had (1500 calories). I wish I could stop counting the calories!!! It would be easier. At least I am thinking about it.
April 1/95
The kids were up alot last nite, so I didn't sleep well. Got everyone breakfast and had mine, which was rice crispies, bran & skim milk (150 calories). Took everyone to get our hair cut. Came home & had lunch. I had a bagel, salad, cottage cheese, fetta cheese & a little peanut butter. (300 calories). Then I made rice crispie squares & muffins. I had a bran muffin (100 calories). I also had a square (80 calories). My (at the time of this, husband) went to get pizza for dinner. I had a bran muffin, bagel, little peanut butter, cottage cheese, fetta cheese, & a pizza slice (650 calories). In total I had 1280 calories. Far too much!!!! I was feeling OK until I had the pizza. It was wrong & I shouldn't have had it. I feel real guilty. I guess I am not ready for it. Got the kids to bed. A different doctor phoned me, I have strep-throat. Tomorrow is a new day.
April 4/95
Slept not bad, but I was tired. I got up at 5:30am to get ready to go to St. Pauls. (I started their 3 month out-patient program today). Took me an hour to get down there, traffic seemed to be heavy today. Got my skinfolds done and my weight was Xlbs. I knew my weight would go up, but I wished it went down. We had some pretty intense group. Now I feel lousy and depressed, but why? Maybe it is because everything is stirred up. I don't like this feeling!!! I took off and had to get a coffee. The dietician just told me my skinfolds were wrong, she had calculated them wrong, and now they are lower than what she said they were the first time. How can they be so different from Dr. B??? She asked me how I felt. It told her it doesn't matter, I don't ******* care & walked away. Now I am suppose to EAT this gourmet lunch, when all I want to do is go HOME! I HATED lunch. Everything was a FEAR food & to boot I had to have ice cream. Needless to say, I was a ***** & very withdrawn all afternoon. People asked me how I was, I said I was fine. I lied. At 3:00pm I left in a hurry. Linda ( one of the therapist's there, whom to this day, is VERY special to me. I wrote a piece about her, it is on my site, page 3), asked if I was OK. I told her I was tired. I went to get some water to take my antibiotics. She asked me if I wanted to go to her office & talk, I said I have to go home! She asked if I would be all right. I said it doesn't matter anyway & I walked away & left. I just wanted out of there. I think I needed to be with my kids. I was so glad to see them. I don't want to do this program anymore. (It's only been 2 days since I have been there) I hate it. I ate all of my meal plan, except snacks & I feel like a FAT pig!! I couldn't eat everything at dinner, but I made up for it by having a snack later. I didn't want it, but I felt guilty not eating (very strange). I know I'll need more next week. The kids really like the day care woman, even Brent wanted her and not me. I feel hurt by that. I SHOULD be here to take care of them, I am their mother!! Its so hard being there in the program, I feel so guilty, because I am not home to care for my children. I figure I had at least 1500 calories.
April 6/95
Had a lousy sleep. Kept thinking about D-4 (the program I am in) & how much I didn't want to do it or go back. I had some Orange juice, special K, Bran, & skim milk (200 calories). I got myself ready and left for St. Pauls. Here I am awaiting lunch, which I don't want at all & I don't want to be here. I am really feeling angry. Lunch was gross. I had an apple, bagel with peanut butter, cottage cheese (350 cal). Everyone was so quiet. I wish I could leave. I am dreading the next 5 hours.
Our first group was process group. We briefed everyone on what happened over the last day or so. I knew I wouldn't get away without talking to me about Tue. I talked a little bit & I guess it was OK. After that, we had Body Image/Sexuality. We had to write a letter to our body. I wrote about how fat I looked & didn't want to gain weight. That is exactly how I feel. We had a bread & I had a bran muffin (100 cal.) Our last session was on Leisure. Dinner was rice, peas, chicken, roll, grapes, 2 skim milk (I don't even want to think how many calories that was). I am having such a hard time eating there. I don't have the incentive to get better this time, like I did last time. I think its because I wanted to go into the hospital, this time I feel I have been forced
to do D-4 & it wasn't my decision. I lost control of my life again. When I got home, it was nice to see the kids again. I had a snack (trying to replace what I didn't eat today) cheese, choc. milk, popcorn (450 cal). In total I had over 1600 cal. My god I can't believe I have eaten that much. I won't do it tomorrow!
April 7/95
Slept lousy, was thinking about D-4. Got up & got ready. Had my usual, special K, Bran, Skim milk, OJ (200 cal). Traffic was very busy, took me a long time to get to St. Pauls. Now I am getting ready for process group. It was OK, we took a break. Went back in for the next group. I ended up spilling my guts about everything & feeling horrible & forced into doing it. Lunch was egg, apple & milk (400 cal.) It tasted gross. I hate being here & I don't want to gain weight or get fat & I will do my best not too! I'm going for a little walk. Came back and did "goals & victories". They wanted me to put down that I "shared" as a victory. I said NO, I felt forced!! We did egg decorating as part of our leisure. It felt silly to do it. Like I was back in school. I left as soon as I was done. I had to get out of there. I am having such a hard time there, with the people and the food. I don't want to be there. Got home around 5:00pm & enjoyed seeing the kids. I really miss them. For dinner I had salad, cottage cheese, little peanut butter, bran muffin, & a bagel (400 cal.) In total I had 1000 cal. I feel better about this amount. I went grocery shopping and had an apple.
April 10/95
Slept lousy. I kept dreaming about D-4. Had my usual breaky, special K, bran, skim milk, OJ (200 cal.) It's 8:45am and group starts in 15 min. I am going to look at the paper to distract myself from D-4. I am pretty anxious & feel a little lost. Process group was OK. Victory & goals was OK also. Altho, I felt a little pressured on my % of eating my meal plan. I also talked about my walking, so I will try to slown down a little. Lunch was grapes, tuna on brown bread, skim milk (450 cal.) I'm pretty full. Half the day is over and I will be glad to go home. I'm really tired. The rest of the day was OK. It was a long drive home and I seemed to have no patients for the kids. My dinner was bagel, bran muffin, cottage cheese, cheese, peanut butter, 1/2 apple and a bit of tuna casserole
(700 cal). In total I had 1350 cal.
April 11/95
I'm really tired today. I slept in a bit, but I did make it here (the hospital) at 7:15am. My weight was Xlbs & my skin folds were X%. I gained 1lb. & dropped in my skin folds. Now I will have to eat more & then some. I don't want to! I am so close to Xlb. that, I am scared of going over it & I will because I have to eat more. Had Aftershock (a group we did after being weighed) & I knew I would have to eat more. Linda told me I couldn't lose 2 weeks in a row. After that I told the dietician to give me a can of Ensure. I came back into the group and started to drink it. I then started to cry & cry. I told everyone how much I needed support, and they all said they would and also gave me a hug. I felt cared for, worthwhile, & supported. It was an anti-anorexia attack & I won that battle. I am really scared and don't know if I can do it, but with everyones support I'll try my best to win. Lunch was crabmelts, strawberries & orange sauce (900 cal.) Now we will do our next group. We didn't seem to talk about much and then we had a break. I had a bran muffin (100 cal.) Came back for relaxation group. I just dozed in it, as I was sooo tired. Then we had a 1 hr. break before family group. I had a scone & some peanut butter (200 cal.) I feel so full and bloated. I still haven't gone to the bathroom and its starting to bother me. I'm a little nervous about family group. Family group was good. I really felt like (my X now) is starting to understand & realize how tough this is for me. Got the kids to bed and I had my dinner. Bagel, bran muffin, apple, OJ, cottage cheese, cheese and peanut butter (750 cal). I had 2 cans of Ensures (710 cal.) Altogether I had 3210 cal. It feels like being back in the hospital, extra care unit, in-patient for 3 weeks. I felt so stuffed after dinner. Starting tomorrow I'm not going to write down my calories in my journal.
After this "breakthrough" is when I noticed, while reading through my journals, I stopped writing down the calories.
April 13/95
Was real tired when I woke up. I was angry at (my X) because he was still sleeping and I had to do the kids. Left around 10:10am and got to St. Pauls at 11:10am. I waited for my turn for "rounds". It went good. They saw a change in me & were please with what I've been doing. Then we had lunch & went into process group. I started first. I read my thoughts from Tue from my journal. I'm glad I did it. It was an emotional afternoon for everyone. I was really tired thru it. We had goal setting group. Then dinner. I ate all my chicken. It was hard but I managed it. When I got home I got the kids ready for bed. I had some popcorn. I ATE 100% today!
April 18/95
I don't know how to describe my sleep. I still feel tired but my back wasn't as sore. I got up and got ready. Just as I was leaving, Justine woke up so I got her dressed. It was hard leaving her. She didn't want me to go & asked me not to be long at the hospital. Traffic was good. I was the first one here. I gained 4lbs. I feel so HUGE. I said "oh my god, I worked so hard to get down to Xlbs. and now I am over Xlbs. My first reaction is to stop eating, but I know I can't. My skin folds went up as well. At least my meal plan doesn't increase. I don't think I could eat anymore. Soon we will go for breakfast. After breakfast we had Aftershock. Believe me I am in "shock", I still can't believe I gain 4lbs! We had a break, then came back for process group. We went out to a restaurant for lunch. I hated it!! It was so noisy, I was so full & I couldn't wait to leave. I don't understand why there is only 3 ppl who eat 100%. Why should I eat, no one else does & I WILL NOT gain more than 15lbs. Xlbs is all I am going to weigh at the most. All hell broke lose in goals and group. We never ended up having relaxation group as we had to sort things out. I ended up crying because of my weight gain. I left right away. Grabbed my Ensure. Started crying in the dietician's office. She asked me if I wanted to talk, I said NO, & left saying, I can't handle 4lbs, and that I am fat. I truly believe that.
April 24/95
Was an OK sleep. I got up & got ready. I also got the kids dressed. Traffic seemed to be busier. Had Process Group & Check in. I went first, wanted to keep the memory alive of one of the ladies there, that I looked up to. Then we did Goals & Victories. Everyone challenged me on monitoring my time at home & taking time in group. I'm still uncomfortable about the time in group. I challenged someone in group, but I didn't word it properly and she got mad. But we did straighten it out. Had lunch. Two new people started. One seems to be OK and ready. But the other one is going to have a hard time. She isn't ready, but I hope she can fight it. Went grocery shopping, it was nice to get some fresh air. Now we have a nice break. Called home to check in. Then we started Thought Attack. I wanted to go to sleep. I didn't say anything. I was tired. Then we had a break and I snoozed. The next group was OK. From there I left for home & arrived around 5:50pm. My EX was grumpy & I started to bathing the kids. When I was bathing Craig I started to cry. He asked why. I told him I was sad at the things he says & that I try to do my best with him. He asked me why I have to go to the hospital. I tried to explain to him that I needed to learn to eat better. He asked me why I can't eat. I said I have some things to work out & that the hospital is helping me. Got the kids ready for bed & I had dinner. My EX went to Safeway but he offered to stay and eat with me. I said no, you better go. I'm glad he offered. Dinner was a challenge. Tuna casserole. It was OK. I ate 100%.
April 25/95
I got no sleep last nite. I had to get up and get ready. I am so tired. I didn't want to go in & get weighed. I started crying. I lost weight, but my skinfolds stayed the same. I've been doing 100% & now I feel I am in the hot seat again because I have to gain 1% by next week. I've been doing so good so why did this happen? Now my menu will be increased. I told them how I was feeling in "After Shock" & I found out I am not in the hot seat. I am glad I talked, that was hard for me. Then we had Anti-anorexia group. I gave the therapist my prodium with senna. It was OK as I haven't used it, on the other hand, I was scarred to death because now I have nothing. Lunch was OK. I am really full. I am also still tired. Didn't do much in nutrition group. Then we had relaxation, I fell asleep, it was nice. We had an hour break & one of the ladies that used to be in our group was there. I was so glad to see her. I had to go and see the dietian. She added another can of Ensure Plus & a protein at breakfast. Its time for family group. My EX was able to come & I was glad. Family group was REALLY good. So much hit home with me & I think my EX got lots out of it as well. On the way home we had a good talk about how I felt my voice wasn't heard & that I didn't like the way he always put me down for my grocery shopping. I even told him about the Prodium. Got the kids ready and into bed. We had dinner together. It was nice but still a little awkward. I walked to Saveon to get
a few groceries, came back and cleaned up. Had a bath, my ensure. I ate 100%.
April 27/95
Don't think I had a good sleep. I was sweating again & tired. Got up & showered, had breaky. Took Craig to school. He was fine. Came back home and got ready. Took Brent to ear doctors. He needs tubes. I am so scarred yet I know he needs them. I ate on the way in to St. Pauls in the van. I am really angry & numb & I don't want to eat or go to the group. They all new something was bothering me so I eventually told them about Brent. Then we had body image & I read my letter. I still feel the same fat & I want to loose. I am aching inside to talk in group about Dr. C & my other issues but I am scared to. We had leisure next & all we did was laugh. It was great. We ate dinner. I had an Ensure to help one of us. Came home and no one was bathed or in bed. I was angry at first, but then I just started blocking it out. My EX is at hockey & I will have my bath & sit down to watch ER. I ate & drank 100%.
April 29/95
Was up alot. Am really tired. Got kids dressed & fed. I had my breaky. Did laundry & changed the sheets. My EX is still sleeping, what else is knew. I had my lunch after cleaning the house. I had my ensure with Brent. Got them all ready for bed. Then I got ready and we left for the hockey banquet. At first we sat by ourselves & then we moved to the ref's table. I felt really uncomfortable but I ate their food & in front of strangers!!!!!! My Ex and I danced, we hadn't done that in a while. A few people starred at me. Came home & I had an ensure & watched TV. I ate 100% except for the milk, which they didn't have at the banquet.
Slept OK, but I feel really tired. I thought the laxative would have worked by now, but it hasn't. Got the kids ready & I am off to the babysitters and to St. Pauls Hospital. I was surprised with my weight. I did lose (close to 1 pound), but I wanted to lose more. My skin folds dropped again. I have mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel great, on the other I don't. I wish I could just maintain. I had my muffins on the way home. Now I've had a bun & a little peanut butter. I'm going out for a fast walk & get rid of this. Had a good walk. Just finished feeding Brent some lunch. I nibbles while getting dinner ready. I really binged at dinner. I have had 1200 calories today. I will go & walk it off. If I had any laxatives I would have use them. I got the kids ready for bed, then I went for a walk and then to the grocery store. Came home and made a salad. I guess my binge is over for a while. I know I'll go back to restricting. I'll be getting lots of exercise tomorrow. I'm also going to see Dr. Howitt. I still feel fat & I don't want to gain any more weight.
Mar. 3/95
Had a lousy sleep. I am angry because I had to do all the work with the kids, he never seems to help me!! The kids and I went out for a bit, and when we came home we had lunch. I did good. A muffin, salad & a little peanut butter. Then I folded laundry, cleaned up more and sat down to watch my show. It's 3:00pm now and so far I have had 350 calories. I feel good about that. I'm real tired today & I still have dinner to do, baths, bed, & grocery shopping. Dinner was OK. Now I h ave had in total 650 calories. I did good at dinner. I left for groceries. I bought my "Starbucks" coffee & had my 4 natural laxatives at 7:30pm. When I made my salad, I nibbles a bit. I certainly didn't have many calories & I didn't eat anythng else. I did real good today. I have only 2 more days left until i weigh in. I just have to lose more weight. Next week I really want to try & do better, but I will not get FAT!!
Mar. 9/95
Didn't sleep great. I had to get all the kids ready again. I had a little bran & 1/2 a tea biscuit. I really shouldn't have eaten the biscuit. I can't HANDLE anything new. I'm worried about Craig & his chicken pox. I'm taking him to the doctors. I have such a head ache. I am also worried about finding someone to watch the kids, for the program I am suppose to do. I vacuumed this morning. I wish I could find a faster way to purge this food. God, how I HATE myself & I feel so FAT. I'm so tired & depressed. I just finished lunch, a muffin, little salad & a 1/4 cup of cottage cheese. All I wanted was the muffin. I shouldn't have had the salad or cottage cheese, why did I eat those??? I need my laxatives. So far I have had 250 calories. I didn't go to the lunch support program, as I didn't feel up to it. I didn't want anyone to watch me eat. Had my meetings with 2 people, it went OK. I just have to hang on to eating 3 meals a day. Had dinner, which was a bran muffin, & 1/4 slice toast. Total calories today is 500 (that's being generous). Got the kids ready for bed, then into bed. I wish I could help Craig. He has chicken pox so
bad. There was a message on my machine from a lady, saying that she knows someone is interested in doing my day care. I sure hope it works out. Went grocery shopping, came home & made my salad. I am ready to watch ER. I will try again to watch what I eat tomorrow.
Mar.15/95
I still didn't sleep well. I'm real tired. Fed the kids breakfast and I had 1/4cup of bran & hot water. Started my laundry and took Craig to school. I'm so tired that I didn't take the long way home. My lunch was bran muffin, and a whole wheat bagel with peanut butter (350calories). My stomach is killing me, I think it might be the prodium. The woman who is going to do my daycare is coming by to see the kids. It went well and I am glad. Got dinner going. The prodium is working!! My dinner was a bran muffin, little salad, 1/4 cup cottage cheese, and 4 bites of some pancakes (225 calories). In total I had 625. Another good day!
Mar. 17/95
Didn't get much sleep, and I am still tired. I had my usual bran (50 calories) & 2 bites of an oatmeal muffin. Took Craig to school. I took the other 2 kids to play group. Picked Craig up from school and then got lunch. I had a bran muffin & 1/4 cup cottage cheese. I nibbled on a few M&M's & had 2 little oreo cookies, so far today I have had 300 calories. I am having the day care lady come over for a bit to watch the kids while I do some shopping. I bought a bagel and ate it, I felt so GUILTY. My stomach really hurts. Came home and made dinner. Boy did I BINGE. I had salad, cottage cheese, 2 graham crackers with peanut butter, cheese and more peanut butter crackers (490 calories). My stomach is REALLY hurting. It seems like I'm not digesting the food, cuz later on it gets better. Then I made popcorn cuz I have already blown it & feel so guilty and depressed (125 calories). Now I have just had 8 peanut butter crackers, mouthful of cottage cheese & some ice milk (125 calories). I took more prodium to get rid of this. In total today I have had 1340 calories. I haven't had that much in weeks!!!!!! I am so FAT and DISGUSTED with myself for eating that much. I know I haven't lost weight now for Monday. I hate myself and am so depressed!!
Mar. 20/95
Didn't sleep well. Again I am really tired. Got myself and the kids ready. The prodium is really working, been going all day. Dropped the kids off at the babysitters and headed down to St. Paul's. My weight was Xlbs. It dropped by 1lb. I was glad and relieved, I didn't think it would go down. I didn't get my skin folds done as Dr. B wasn't there, just as well!! I then went to visit a friend in the hospital. I had my lunch which was bran muffin, raisin scone with peanut butter, oatmeal muffin, far too much (450calories). Had a session with family therapist. It went OK. Got back home and started dinner. I BINGED. I had cheese, 2 rye toast, 2 peanut butter graham crackers, salad, cottage cheese, lite popcorn & a oatmeal muffin (700 calories). In total 1200 calories!! WE will get back to restricting tomorrow. I took more prodium, and my stomach is killing me.
Mar. 22/95
Sleep was a little better. Got up early and got the kids ready. I had my usual breaky bran & I had my once a week skim milk (100 calories). Started cleaning up. Had to lie Brent down he was miserable. I started
making my salad and I had a few veg. & a bite of a banana (25 calories). I took some prodium plus, hopefully that will work. I had a bran muffin for lunch (100 calories). I am going to see the dietician at St. Pauls, she seems nice. I will be on a weight gain menu. I tried to go on maintenance, but she didn't go for it. She doesn't bargain with anorexia. She is going to start me on the plan that I was having when I was in-patient at the hospital. At least it won't be more then that. I told her if it was going to be more, it would scare me off!! Came home and started dinner. Things went well with the babysitter, I am glad. I totally binged at dinner & just now. I feel so FAT, UGLY & DEPRESSED. I shouldn't have eaten so much, but I was trying to eat the meal plan that I will be on & challenge myself to eat a late snack. It didn't go well at all. I won't need breakfast. I need to go to the bathroom so bad. I will need more
prodium tomorrow. I must get rid of this food!! I am so ashamed of how much I ate, I can't write the calories (1500).
Mar. 29/95
Slept not bad, but I was so tired. Today is my YEAR anniversary, when I woke up & wanted to lose weight & I felt fat. I still feel the same today as I did 1 year ago. How ironic that its on Craig's birthday, why? He was so excited today he was up early. The day care woman came early to help out. I had my breakfast bran cereal & skim milk (50 calories). I started to clean up a little bit. I had a bran muffin for a snack (100 calories). Got the kids some lunch mine was, a bit of soup & crackers, chesse melted on bread, 1/2 piece of bread with peanut butter (300 calories). I was tired so I lied down for a bit. I started dinner. I had a bran muffin, cottage cheese, 1 piece of toast, little peanut butter, little skim milk, bite of a banana (300 calories). Dr. Howitt called, I don't have Mono, so I don't know why I am so tired. I am going to take some more prodium and have something to eat. I had lite popcorn (150 calories). It felt
like a binge this time. I feel like I've been eating alot again & I feel fat & gaining weight. I want to restrict tomorrow, but I keep trying cause I'll have to eat next week. In total I had 900 calories. It seems like alot. This is so hard!!
Mar. 30/95
I think I slept OK. I can't remember. I am writing this at 9:45pm. Brent is sick, tomorrow I will take him to the doctors. My throat is really sore too. Got up and got everyone dressed and fed. I had 1/2 cup bran cereal & skim milk (100 calories). Took Craig to school, and then I did some errands. After I picked Craig up, I headed over to the day care house. I went to a luncheon that was run by Health Unit close to where I live. I had a raisin bagel, salad & 1/2 cup cottage cheese (300 calories). Then I went to the bakery to pick up some more bagels, I ate one (200 calories). I talked with my therapist, and told her how well I have been doing in trying to increase my food intake & try new things. I'm so proud of myself for what I have accomplished so far this week. It feels great to eat and win over anorexia! I have been feeling good about myself lately. I know I have alot of hard work ahead of me, but surely it can only
get better. I know I'm going to gain weight, thats being realistic & altho I don't want to, I think I am OK with it, some what. I went over to see Dr. Howitt and told her how I have been doing. She was shocked, but happy. She also looked at my throat again. Dinner was a bagel, salad, cheese, cottage chees, lite popcorn, cake (700 calories). After the kids went to bed, I went grocery shopping. I had a chocolate shake (200 calories). In total I have had (1500 calories). I wish I could stop counting the calories!!! It would be easier. At least I am thinking about it.
April 1/95
The kids were up alot last nite, so I didn't sleep well. Got everyone breakfast and had mine, which was rice crispies, bran & skim milk (150 calories). Took everyone to get our hair cut. Came home & had lunch. I had a bagel, salad, cottage cheese, fetta cheese & a little peanut butter. (300 calories). Then I made rice crispie squares & muffins. I had a bran muffin (100 calories). I also had a square (80 calories). My (at the time of this, husband) went to get pizza for dinner. I had a bran muffin, bagel, little peanut butter, cottage cheese, fetta cheese, & a pizza slice (650 calories). In total I had 1280 calories. Far too much!!!! I was feeling OK until I had the pizza. It was wrong & I shouldn't have had it. I feel real guilty. I guess I am not ready for it. Got the kids to bed. A different doctor phoned me, I have strep-throat. Tomorrow is a new day.
April 4/95
Slept not bad, but I was tired. I got up at 5:30am to get ready to go to St. Pauls. (I started their 3 month out-patient program today). Took me an hour to get down there, traffic seemed to be heavy today. Got my skinfolds done and my weight was Xlbs. I knew my weight would go up, but I wished it went down. We had some pretty intense group. Now I feel lousy and depressed, but why? Maybe it is because everything is stirred up. I don't like this feeling!!! I took off and had to get a coffee. The dietician just told me my skinfolds were wrong, she had calculated them wrong, and now they are lower than what she said they were the first time. How can they be so different from Dr. B??? She asked me how I felt. It told her it doesn't matter, I don't ******* care & walked away. Now I am suppose to EAT this gourmet lunch, when all I want to do is go HOME! I HATED lunch. Everything was a FEAR food & to boot I had to have ice cream. Needless to say, I was a ***** & very withdrawn all afternoon. People asked me how I was, I said I was fine. I lied. At 3:00pm I left in a hurry. Linda ( one of the therapist's there, whom to this day, is VERY special to me. I wrote a piece about her, it is on my site, page 3), asked if I was OK. I told her I was tired. I went to get some water to take my antibiotics. She asked me if I wanted to go to her office & talk, I said I have to go home! She asked if I would be all right. I said it doesn't matter anyway & I walked away & left. I just wanted out of there. I think I needed to be with my kids. I was so glad to see them. I don't want to do this program anymore. (It's only been 2 days since I have been there) I hate it. I ate all of my meal plan, except snacks & I feel like a FAT pig!! I couldn't eat everything at dinner, but I made up for it by having a snack later. I didn't want it, but I felt guilty not eating (very strange). I know I'll need more next week. The kids really like the day care woman, even Brent wanted her and not me. I feel hurt by that. I SHOULD be here to take care of them, I am their mother!! Its so hard being there in the program, I feel so guilty, because I am not home to care for my children. I figure I had at least 1500 calories.
April 6/95
Had a lousy sleep. Kept thinking about D-4 (the program I am in) & how much I didn't want to do it or go back. I had some Orange juice, special K, Bran, & skim milk (200 calories). I got myself ready and left for St. Pauls. Here I am awaiting lunch, which I don't want at all & I don't want to be here. I am really feeling angry. Lunch was gross. I had an apple, bagel with peanut butter, cottage cheese (350 cal). Everyone was so quiet. I wish I could leave. I am dreading the next 5 hours.
Our first group was process group. We briefed everyone on what happened over the last day or so. I knew I wouldn't get away without talking to me about Tue. I talked a little bit & I guess it was OK. After that, we had Body Image/Sexuality. We had to write a letter to our body. I wrote about how fat I looked & didn't want to gain weight. That is exactly how I feel. We had a bread & I had a bran muffin (100 cal.) Our last session was on Leisure. Dinner was rice, peas, chicken, roll, grapes, 2 skim milk (I don't even want to think how many calories that was). I am having such a hard time eating there. I don't have the incentive to get better this time, like I did last time. I think its because I wanted to go into the hospital, this time I feel I have been forced
to do D-4 & it wasn't my decision. I lost control of my life again. When I got home, it was nice to see the kids again. I had a snack (trying to replace what I didn't eat today) cheese, choc. milk, popcorn (450 cal). In total I had over 1600 cal. My god I can't believe I have eaten that much. I won't do it tomorrow!
April 7/95
Slept lousy, was thinking about D-4. Got up & got ready. Had my usual, special K, Bran, Skim milk, OJ (200 cal). Traffic was very busy, took me a long time to get to St. Pauls. Now I am getting ready for process group. It was OK, we took a break. Went back in for the next group. I ended up spilling my guts about everything & feeling horrible & forced into doing it. Lunch was egg, apple & milk (400 cal.) It tasted gross. I hate being here & I don't want to gain weight or get fat & I will do my best not too! I'm going for a little walk. Came back and did "goals & victories". They wanted me to put down that I "shared" as a victory. I said NO, I felt forced!! We did egg decorating as part of our leisure. It felt silly to do it. Like I was back in school. I left as soon as I was done. I had to get out of there. I am having such a hard time there, with the people and the food. I don't want to be there. Got home around 5:00pm & enjoyed seeing the kids. I really miss them. For dinner I had salad, cottage cheese, little peanut butter, bran muffin, & a bagel (400 cal.) In total I had 1000 cal. I feel better about this amount. I went grocery shopping and had an apple.
April 10/95
Slept lousy. I kept dreaming about D-4. Had my usual breaky, special K, bran, skim milk, OJ (200 cal.) It's 8:45am and group starts in 15 min. I am going to look at the paper to distract myself from D-4. I am pretty anxious & feel a little lost. Process group was OK. Victory & goals was OK also. Altho, I felt a little pressured on my % of eating my meal plan. I also talked about my walking, so I will try to slown down a little. Lunch was grapes, tuna on brown bread, skim milk (450 cal.) I'm pretty full. Half the day is over and I will be glad to go home. I'm really tired. The rest of the day was OK. It was a long drive home and I seemed to have no patients for the kids. My dinner was bagel, bran muffin, cottage cheese, cheese, peanut butter, 1/2 apple and a bit of tuna casserole
(700 cal). In total I had 1350 cal.
April 11/95
I'm really tired today. I slept in a bit, but I did make it here (the hospital) at 7:15am. My weight was Xlbs & my skin folds were X%. I gained 1lb. & dropped in my skin folds. Now I will have to eat more & then some. I don't want to! I am so close to Xlb. that, I am scared of going over it & I will because I have to eat more. Had Aftershock (a group we did after being weighed) & I knew I would have to eat more. Linda told me I couldn't lose 2 weeks in a row. After that I told the dietician to give me a can of Ensure. I came back into the group and started to drink it. I then started to cry & cry. I told everyone how much I needed support, and they all said they would and also gave me a hug. I felt cared for, worthwhile, & supported. It was an anti-anorexia attack & I won that battle. I am really scared and don't know if I can do it, but with everyones support I'll try my best to win. Lunch was crabmelts, strawberries & orange sauce (900 cal.) Now we will do our next group. We didn't seem to talk about much and then we had a break. I had a bran muffin (100 cal.) Came back for relaxation group. I just dozed in it, as I was sooo tired. Then we had a 1 hr. break before family group. I had a scone & some peanut butter (200 cal.) I feel so full and bloated. I still haven't gone to the bathroom and its starting to bother me. I'm a little nervous about family group. Family group was good. I really felt like (my X now) is starting to understand & realize how tough this is for me. Got the kids to bed and I had my dinner. Bagel, bran muffin, apple, OJ, cottage cheese, cheese and peanut butter (750 cal). I had 2 cans of Ensures (710 cal.) Altogether I had 3210 cal. It feels like being back in the hospital, extra care unit, in-patient for 3 weeks. I felt so stuffed after dinner. Starting tomorrow I'm not going to write down my calories in my journal.
After this "breakthrough" is when I noticed, while reading through my journals, I stopped writing down the calories.
April 13/95
Was real tired when I woke up. I was angry at (my X) because he was still sleeping and I had to do the kids. Left around 10:10am and got to St. Pauls at 11:10am. I waited for my turn for "rounds". It went good. They saw a change in me & were please with what I've been doing. Then we had lunch & went into process group. I started first. I read my thoughts from Tue from my journal. I'm glad I did it. It was an emotional afternoon for everyone. I was really tired thru it. We had goal setting group. Then dinner. I ate all my chicken. It was hard but I managed it. When I got home I got the kids ready for bed. I had some popcorn. I ATE 100% today!
April 18/95
I don't know how to describe my sleep. I still feel tired but my back wasn't as sore. I got up and got ready. Just as I was leaving, Justine woke up so I got her dressed. It was hard leaving her. She didn't want me to go & asked me not to be long at the hospital. Traffic was good. I was the first one here. I gained 4lbs. I feel so HUGE. I said "oh my god, I worked so hard to get down to Xlbs. and now I am over Xlbs. My first reaction is to stop eating, but I know I can't. My skin folds went up as well. At least my meal plan doesn't increase. I don't think I could eat anymore. Soon we will go for breakfast. After breakfast we had Aftershock. Believe me I am in "shock", I still can't believe I gain 4lbs! We had a break, then came back for process group. We went out to a restaurant for lunch. I hated it!! It was so noisy, I was so full & I couldn't wait to leave. I don't understand why there is only 3 ppl who eat 100%. Why should I eat, no one else does & I WILL NOT gain more than 15lbs. Xlbs is all I am going to weigh at the most. All hell broke lose in goals and group. We never ended up having relaxation group as we had to sort things out. I ended up crying because of my weight gain. I left right away. Grabbed my Ensure. Started crying in the dietician's office. She asked me if I wanted to talk, I said NO, & left saying, I can't handle 4lbs, and that I am fat. I truly believe that.
April 24/95
Was an OK sleep. I got up & got ready. I also got the kids dressed. Traffic seemed to be busier. Had Process Group & Check in. I went first, wanted to keep the memory alive of one of the ladies there, that I looked up to. Then we did Goals & Victories. Everyone challenged me on monitoring my time at home & taking time in group. I'm still uncomfortable about the time in group. I challenged someone in group, but I didn't word it properly and she got mad. But we did straighten it out. Had lunch. Two new people started. One seems to be OK and ready. But the other one is going to have a hard time. She isn't ready, but I hope she can fight it. Went grocery shopping, it was nice to get some fresh air. Now we have a nice break. Called home to check in. Then we started Thought Attack. I wanted to go to sleep. I didn't say anything. I was tired. Then we had a break and I snoozed. The next group was OK. From there I left for home & arrived around 5:50pm. My EX was grumpy & I started to bathing the kids. When I was bathing Craig I started to cry. He asked why. I told him I was sad at the things he says & that I try to do my best with him. He asked me why I have to go to the hospital. I tried to explain to him that I needed to learn to eat better. He asked me why I can't eat. I said I have some things to work out & that the hospital is helping me. Got the kids ready for bed & I had dinner. My EX went to Safeway but he offered to stay and eat with me. I said no, you better go. I'm glad he offered. Dinner was a challenge. Tuna casserole. It was OK. I ate 100%.
April 25/95
I got no sleep last nite. I had to get up and get ready. I am so tired. I didn't want to go in & get weighed. I started crying. I lost weight, but my skinfolds stayed the same. I've been doing 100% & now I feel I am in the hot seat again because I have to gain 1% by next week. I've been doing so good so why did this happen? Now my menu will be increased. I told them how I was feeling in "After Shock" & I found out I am not in the hot seat. I am glad I talked, that was hard for me. Then we had Anti-anorexia group. I gave the therapist my prodium with senna. It was OK as I haven't used it, on the other hand, I was scarred to death because now I have nothing. Lunch was OK. I am really full. I am also still tired. Didn't do much in nutrition group. Then we had relaxation, I fell asleep, it was nice. We had an hour break & one of the ladies that used to be in our group was there. I was so glad to see her. I had to go and see the dietian. She added another can of Ensure Plus & a protein at breakfast. Its time for family group. My EX was able to come & I was glad. Family group was REALLY good. So much hit home with me & I think my EX got lots out of it as well. On the way home we had a good talk about how I felt my voice wasn't heard & that I didn't like the way he always put me down for my grocery shopping. I even told him about the Prodium. Got the kids ready and into bed. We had dinner together. It was nice but still a little awkward. I walked to Saveon to get
a few groceries, came back and cleaned up. Had a bath, my ensure. I ate 100%.
April 27/95
Don't think I had a good sleep. I was sweating again & tired. Got up & showered, had breaky. Took Craig to school. He was fine. Came back home and got ready. Took Brent to ear doctors. He needs tubes. I am so scarred yet I know he needs them. I ate on the way in to St. Pauls in the van. I am really angry & numb & I don't want to eat or go to the group. They all new something was bothering me so I eventually told them about Brent. Then we had body image & I read my letter. I still feel the same fat & I want to loose. I am aching inside to talk in group about Dr. C & my other issues but I am scared to. We had leisure next & all we did was laugh. It was great. We ate dinner. I had an Ensure to help one of us. Came home and no one was bathed or in bed. I was angry at first, but then I just started blocking it out. My EX is at hockey & I will have my bath & sit down to watch ER. I ate & drank 100%.
April 29/95
Was up alot. Am really tired. Got kids dressed & fed. I had my breaky. Did laundry & changed the sheets. My EX is still sleeping, what else is knew. I had my lunch after cleaning the house. I had my ensure with Brent. Got them all ready for bed. Then I got ready and we left for the hockey banquet. At first we sat by ourselves & then we moved to the ref's table. I felt really uncomfortable but I ate their food & in front of strangers!!!!!! My Ex and I danced, we hadn't done that in a while. A few people starred at me. Came home & I had an ensure & watched TV. I ate 100% except for the milk, which they didn't have at the banquet.
©Kim Ratcliffe