Sept. 1/99
My life seems to crazy right now, and for me I know that the best tool I have learned is to journal, so I am sitting down today to do just that.
And of course I have so many thoughts running thru my head that I don’t know where to begin. But what has worked for me in the past is to just go for it, so that’s what I am going to do.
About 6 weeks ago, I fractured my tibia plateau, which is basically my knee. I did that when Tom and I took my kids to the waterslides. And ever since then, I have been staying at Tom’s place as I knew if I went home I would be doing everything as far as cooking, cleaning, caring for my 3 kids etc. I wanted to give my knee the best chance possible for recovery. I have been off work ever since and will be for another 8 weeks. Prior to that I spent alot of time at Tom’s place, I really enjoyed my freedom as a woman and a mother. I have always been the primary care giver of my children, but since the separation with my X, I have enjoyed being “free” and for my readers who read this and who are mothers I am sure you will understand the “freedom” I am talking about. My X has not worked for the past year, and I have been the only one who has worked, now I don’t make a whole lot of money, and I felt a financial burden that way to support “us”, and since I have hurt
my leg, it’s even been harder for me, cause their has been no money. I have had a hard time and been very torn as to when I should go back home, like the way it used to be which was that I would spend time at Tom’s and then when he worked nites I would go home and stay there, but that also meant my X was there, as we are still “living” under the same roof, which is stressful itself. As time got closer to the 4 weeks when I had to go back to the specialist the more frightened I got about going home, and I wasn’t sure what it all meant and part of me still doesn’t know what it means except that I love being with Tom all the time, I have “my” freedom as a woman and mother, yet on the other hand,
I am torn because of my children, missing them, wanting to be with them, protecting them, all of the “motherly” things that go along with being a parent. This is why I am journalling today to find out all of this, now I am sure I won’t come up with all the answers, however, by journalling about it, it makes me feel better inside. At one point it felt like everyone, including Tom was pushing me to go back home and I wasn’t ready. Tom and I talked about this, and I told him how I felt. I also said “NO one knows what it is like to live at my house with my X”, including you, and I was crying when I told him this. I was holding a glass of wine when we were talking about this and he grabbed the glass and put it down, then came over to me to hold me, and said “no I don’t know what it’s like, but I think I have an idea.” He continued to hold me while I cried more and we talked more. What I came up with was that, because I have been at his place so much, I was afraid I wouldn’t see him very much, if I went home. I didn’t want that, and I knew I would resent my kids for that. I have talked to my therapist about this, and she said I would probably resent them but at least I was recognizing it and naming it, which most people can’t do. I still don’t like myself for resenting my kids, I mean I am a MOM, mom’s aren’t supposed to feel that, so WE are told from society. Maybe it’s time to change society’s way of thinking. So here I sit, trying to figure out what all this means and why. Funny, I have done this before, with no answers, and this time will probably be the same. When Tom and I talked, he had said that when I go home, that he wants to come with me and spend time with the kids, to get to know them better, and do this “parenting” thing. When he said that I felt a load of bricks off my shoulder, and certainly less fear. It meant that I was still going to see him and I wasn’t going to loose him, and that little girl inside of me felt safe again. I have also come to an conclusion that, I no longer want to sleep in the house together while my X is there. After being with Tom the past 6 weeks, that would
be just to uncomfortable for me. I have told my X this, and he said fine. What’s good about me telling my X this, is that, 5 years ago, I would have never told him what I needed or wanted, I was to afraid to. I am very proud of myself for doing this and for all the other times I have done it, and I will continue to do it. I get stronger each day with my X, his control over me the past 20 years is beginning to disintegrate, and so are his verbal abusive words towards me. I know I am not “there” yet, but it will happen.
I am still torn about going home, having my freedom with Tom and not being a parent, but knowing that he will be there with me most of the time, I feel less fear about it. I am sure there will be times when I will be at home by myself without him, and I will have to deal with that when the time comes and I will also talk to Lynn about it, to come up with a plan so I can feel safe, but I know I will be fine, I am a strong woman.
Have I figured out everything I needed to in journaling today, no I don’t think so, but what’s important for everyone to hear, is that journaling can take several times of doing it before you can really figure things out. There is no right or wrong answers to it. I know I will journal more about what I talked about today. As it doesn’t feel “complete” yet, and that’s OK with me. I have learned not to expect it anymore, that it does take time, sometimes, and when its finished for me, I get this “gut” feeling inside of how I feel about what I just wrote. I trust and believe in myself thru all of my journeys in life, and I will continue to love myself and believe in me!!
My life seems to crazy right now, and for me I know that the best tool I have learned is to journal, so I am sitting down today to do just that.
And of course I have so many thoughts running thru my head that I don’t know where to begin. But what has worked for me in the past is to just go for it, so that’s what I am going to do.
About 6 weeks ago, I fractured my tibia plateau, which is basically my knee. I did that when Tom and I took my kids to the waterslides. And ever since then, I have been staying at Tom’s place as I knew if I went home I would be doing everything as far as cooking, cleaning, caring for my 3 kids etc. I wanted to give my knee the best chance possible for recovery. I have been off work ever since and will be for another 8 weeks. Prior to that I spent alot of time at Tom’s place, I really enjoyed my freedom as a woman and a mother. I have always been the primary care giver of my children, but since the separation with my X, I have enjoyed being “free” and for my readers who read this and who are mothers I am sure you will understand the “freedom” I am talking about. My X has not worked for the past year, and I have been the only one who has worked, now I don’t make a whole lot of money, and I felt a financial burden that way to support “us”, and since I have hurt
my leg, it’s even been harder for me, cause their has been no money. I have had a hard time and been very torn as to when I should go back home, like the way it used to be which was that I would spend time at Tom’s and then when he worked nites I would go home and stay there, but that also meant my X was there, as we are still “living” under the same roof, which is stressful itself. As time got closer to the 4 weeks when I had to go back to the specialist the more frightened I got about going home, and I wasn’t sure what it all meant and part of me still doesn’t know what it means except that I love being with Tom all the time, I have “my” freedom as a woman and mother, yet on the other hand,
I am torn because of my children, missing them, wanting to be with them, protecting them, all of the “motherly” things that go along with being a parent. This is why I am journalling today to find out all of this, now I am sure I won’t come up with all the answers, however, by journalling about it, it makes me feel better inside. At one point it felt like everyone, including Tom was pushing me to go back home and I wasn’t ready. Tom and I talked about this, and I told him how I felt. I also said “NO one knows what it is like to live at my house with my X”, including you, and I was crying when I told him this. I was holding a glass of wine when we were talking about this and he grabbed the glass and put it down, then came over to me to hold me, and said “no I don’t know what it’s like, but I think I have an idea.” He continued to hold me while I cried more and we talked more. What I came up with was that, because I have been at his place so much, I was afraid I wouldn’t see him very much, if I went home. I didn’t want that, and I knew I would resent my kids for that. I have talked to my therapist about this, and she said I would probably resent them but at least I was recognizing it and naming it, which most people can’t do. I still don’t like myself for resenting my kids, I mean I am a MOM, mom’s aren’t supposed to feel that, so WE are told from society. Maybe it’s time to change society’s way of thinking. So here I sit, trying to figure out what all this means and why. Funny, I have done this before, with no answers, and this time will probably be the same. When Tom and I talked, he had said that when I go home, that he wants to come with me and spend time with the kids, to get to know them better, and do this “parenting” thing. When he said that I felt a load of bricks off my shoulder, and certainly less fear. It meant that I was still going to see him and I wasn’t going to loose him, and that little girl inside of me felt safe again. I have also come to an conclusion that, I no longer want to sleep in the house together while my X is there. After being with Tom the past 6 weeks, that would
be just to uncomfortable for me. I have told my X this, and he said fine. What’s good about me telling my X this, is that, 5 years ago, I would have never told him what I needed or wanted, I was to afraid to. I am very proud of myself for doing this and for all the other times I have done it, and I will continue to do it. I get stronger each day with my X, his control over me the past 20 years is beginning to disintegrate, and so are his verbal abusive words towards me. I know I am not “there” yet, but it will happen.
I am still torn about going home, having my freedom with Tom and not being a parent, but knowing that he will be there with me most of the time, I feel less fear about it. I am sure there will be times when I will be at home by myself without him, and I will have to deal with that when the time comes and I will also talk to Lynn about it, to come up with a plan so I can feel safe, but I know I will be fine, I am a strong woman.
Have I figured out everything I needed to in journaling today, no I don’t think so, but what’s important for everyone to hear, is that journaling can take several times of doing it before you can really figure things out. There is no right or wrong answers to it. I know I will journal more about what I talked about today. As it doesn’t feel “complete” yet, and that’s OK with me. I have learned not to expect it anymore, that it does take time, sometimes, and when its finished for me, I get this “gut” feeling inside of how I feel about what I just wrote. I trust and believe in myself thru all of my journeys in life, and I will continue to love myself and believe in me!!
This next piece, is a piece I wrote in response to a piece that was written about me and for my web page, in my section called, PERSONAL WRITTINGS FROM OTHER PEOPLE. Please go there to read what Carrie wrote, then come back here and read this one. It will also go in the next newsletter that my therapist puts out.
Sept. 27/99
When I first read what Carrie wrote about me, I was so touched by it. I had many tears in my eyes. It felt really strange for me, cause it's usually "ME", thanking other people for how they have helped me, through my recovery, and here I sit reading, someone, thanking "ME" for how I have helped them. I never thought I would be in that position. All my life I have thanked others for what they have done for me (and I still do sometimes), but it seems the role is reversed, and that, feels so STRANGE to me. I know, I can hear Lynn, Linda, and Pat (my family doctor) now (as I am smiling) its a new thing, kind of like change, WELL, we all know I don't do well with change!! A couple of years ago I would not have allowed myself to feel good about something like this, now I do!! Althoug its a strange and new feeling, I like it and I am proud of "ME" for allowing myself to feel this, and for how I have helped
Carrie.
I remember when Carrie and I first met, I got a message from a woman who wanted to talk about eating disorders. I thought wonderful, I am reaching out to people, just what I had hoped to do. As Carrie said, we taked for up to 2 hours that first time. I remember telling her my story, about my anorexia and her asking me questions about it. Since then we haven't looked back. She refers to me as her angel, and I get a warm feeling inside when I think of this, but I don't know if I am an angel, just someone who wants to help others and knows the daily struggles with living with an eating disorder. Carrie, I believe in you and will always be there for you. You are a strong woman, you just need a little shaking
sometimes (LOL) in order for you to be reminded of that. The relationship/friendship we have has gotten stronger over the past year. Our eating disorders haven't come between us, because we haven't let it, we have control of that, not anorexia!! That is a major victory, because anorexia, always tells us to "isolate" or takes "things" away from us, but Carrie, we didn't let that happen, doesn't that feel great!! We won that one!! Woo Hoo!! You said you wouldn't be where you are without my love, support and guidance and I sit here smiling and thinking and still do, how many times I have said that to Lynn, Linda and Pat. What do they say back to me, "it was your hard work!!" I now believe them even more, yes, it is my hard work and determination that has gotten me to where I am, and I will tell you the same thing!!!! Its your hard work, determination and strength that has gotten you where you are today. Yes, in both cases, people have been there fo us, however, its "US" that's done the work!! So, I say, we pat ourselves on the back and keep recovering as we both deserve a happy, healthy, eating disorder free life!!
Later on in my recovery, I knew I wanted to help others in anyway I could. I knew and still know, that I couldn't "FIX" them, but I could share my personal experience with them, and I always said to myself, if I can help ONE person with their eating disorder, the that was all I wanted. That would be one less person for the eating disorder to hold onto!! I know I have reached a lot of people through my talks at schools, articles written about me, and more so now, through my web site. This is where a lot of people have contacted me. I did my site, so people would have a place to go to and not feel so alone. They could read about my journey through my recovery and hopefully give them some hope, that it is possible to recover! When they contact me, I just listen and answer any questions they may have. It is possible to recover, I know, I am living proof!! Being on this side of the grass, is a whole lot brighter and happier, and I wouldn't change that for anything!!
Sept. 27/99
When I first read what Carrie wrote about me, I was so touched by it. I had many tears in my eyes. It felt really strange for me, cause it's usually "ME", thanking other people for how they have helped me, through my recovery, and here I sit reading, someone, thanking "ME" for how I have helped them. I never thought I would be in that position. All my life I have thanked others for what they have done for me (and I still do sometimes), but it seems the role is reversed, and that, feels so STRANGE to me. I know, I can hear Lynn, Linda, and Pat (my family doctor) now (as I am smiling) its a new thing, kind of like change, WELL, we all know I don't do well with change!! A couple of years ago I would not have allowed myself to feel good about something like this, now I do!! Althoug its a strange and new feeling, I like it and I am proud of "ME" for allowing myself to feel this, and for how I have helped
Carrie.
I remember when Carrie and I first met, I got a message from a woman who wanted to talk about eating disorders. I thought wonderful, I am reaching out to people, just what I had hoped to do. As Carrie said, we taked for up to 2 hours that first time. I remember telling her my story, about my anorexia and her asking me questions about it. Since then we haven't looked back. She refers to me as her angel, and I get a warm feeling inside when I think of this, but I don't know if I am an angel, just someone who wants to help others and knows the daily struggles with living with an eating disorder. Carrie, I believe in you and will always be there for you. You are a strong woman, you just need a little shaking
sometimes (LOL) in order for you to be reminded of that. The relationship/friendship we have has gotten stronger over the past year. Our eating disorders haven't come between us, because we haven't let it, we have control of that, not anorexia!! That is a major victory, because anorexia, always tells us to "isolate" or takes "things" away from us, but Carrie, we didn't let that happen, doesn't that feel great!! We won that one!! Woo Hoo!! You said you wouldn't be where you are without my love, support and guidance and I sit here smiling and thinking and still do, how many times I have said that to Lynn, Linda and Pat. What do they say back to me, "it was your hard work!!" I now believe them even more, yes, it is my hard work and determination that has gotten me to where I am, and I will tell you the same thing!!!! Its your hard work, determination and strength that has gotten you where you are today. Yes, in both cases, people have been there fo us, however, its "US" that's done the work!! So, I say, we pat ourselves on the back and keep recovering as we both deserve a happy, healthy, eating disorder free life!!
Later on in my recovery, I knew I wanted to help others in anyway I could. I knew and still know, that I couldn't "FIX" them, but I could share my personal experience with them, and I always said to myself, if I can help ONE person with their eating disorder, the that was all I wanted. That would be one less person for the eating disorder to hold onto!! I know I have reached a lot of people through my talks at schools, articles written about me, and more so now, through my web site. This is where a lot of people have contacted me. I did my site, so people would have a place to go to and not feel so alone. They could read about my journey through my recovery and hopefully give them some hope, that it is possible to recover! When they contact me, I just listen and answer any questions they may have. It is possible to recover, I know, I am living proof!! Being on this side of the grass, is a whole lot brighter and happier, and I wouldn't change that for anything!!
November 26, 1999
Just wanted to let everyone know that I had a bone density test done to see if I have Osteoperosis. My family doctor and I decided to have one done, because of how I fractured my knee. She felt it was odd, that it
didn't take much for me to fracture it. My doctor and I had talked about getting this done a long time ago because of the eating disorder and the age I was at when my eating disorder was in its "prime" so-to-speak. So, when the fracture occured and it was taking a long time to heal, it was time I had the test done. I had it done about 2 weeks ago, its a very simple test, just like getting an X-ray done. They took pictures of my back, spine and my left leg. They couldn't do my right leg, as I couldn't position it the way they wanted to, for the x-ray. I was told I would
get the results back in 1-2 weeks. I just left it at that. I was a little worried about the test, but I knew I needed to get it done, whether the news was good or bad. When my doctor called 4 days later, I was surprised that he had the results already. This is what he told me. My spine and back are fine, but my left leg, thigh, femer bone, (member they couldn't do my right leg), results were low in the "number" range. It does explain how the fracture in my right leg happened without much force. Technically, I don't have osterperosis, but I am an exellent CANDIDATE for it, especially, if I don't take a calcium supplement. I cannot gain any more calcium in my bones, I have all that I will get, but what I can do, is not let any calcium deplete out of my bones, and I am doing that by taking calcium now. This is not a guarantee that I will not develop osteoperosis, but I have the POWER to do the best I can for ME, and do what ever it takes to lessen the chance of me getting it. YES part of this is a result from the eating disorder, and I have known that all along, but again I just thought it won't happen to me, just like WE won't die from an eating disorder, WE are invinsible, RIGHT!! WRONG we are not invinsible, boy do I know that!!!! Part of me was surprised about the results but a part of me wasn't. I was still shocked, and my first thought was "chalk one up for the eating disorder". It has taken, yet again, one more thing. Thats all it seems to do is take, take, take, never gives!!!! It can try and take whatever it wants from me, but I will NEVER GIVE UP FIGHTING IT!!!!!!!!!!! I REFUSE to GIVE< it my SOUL again, IT had it once,
but NEVER again!!!
I have been going thru a difficult time lately with everything that has been happening in my life. YES, some of the eating disorder behaviours have been present, and I always know that when I am in this "space" I need to be, for some reason or another. Sometimes I am able to figure things out quickly and sometimes I can't, but what ever it is, I know I will LEARN something from it, I always do!! I am not going to give up fighting for MY life, its too important to me, and I have worked too hard for where I am today with my recovery. I have always said that, to me, recovery is a life long committment and I completely stand by that. I have the love of a wonderful man, TOM, who has been so supportive to me, who has loved me, who lets me cry on his shoulder and get tears all over his shirt, LOL, who holds me, who listens to me, and yes, sometimes gets very frusterated with me, but he never turns his back on me, NEVER!! So with his love, strength, support, listening, caring and my strength, determination, love, fight, I will get thru this!!!! I know that, because I am a WINNER!!!
Just wanted to let everyone know that I had a bone density test done to see if I have Osteoperosis. My family doctor and I decided to have one done, because of how I fractured my knee. She felt it was odd, that it
didn't take much for me to fracture it. My doctor and I had talked about getting this done a long time ago because of the eating disorder and the age I was at when my eating disorder was in its "prime" so-to-speak. So, when the fracture occured and it was taking a long time to heal, it was time I had the test done. I had it done about 2 weeks ago, its a very simple test, just like getting an X-ray done. They took pictures of my back, spine and my left leg. They couldn't do my right leg, as I couldn't position it the way they wanted to, for the x-ray. I was told I would
get the results back in 1-2 weeks. I just left it at that. I was a little worried about the test, but I knew I needed to get it done, whether the news was good or bad. When my doctor called 4 days later, I was surprised that he had the results already. This is what he told me. My spine and back are fine, but my left leg, thigh, femer bone, (member they couldn't do my right leg), results were low in the "number" range. It does explain how the fracture in my right leg happened without much force. Technically, I don't have osterperosis, but I am an exellent CANDIDATE for it, especially, if I don't take a calcium supplement. I cannot gain any more calcium in my bones, I have all that I will get, but what I can do, is not let any calcium deplete out of my bones, and I am doing that by taking calcium now. This is not a guarantee that I will not develop osteoperosis, but I have the POWER to do the best I can for ME, and do what ever it takes to lessen the chance of me getting it. YES part of this is a result from the eating disorder, and I have known that all along, but again I just thought it won't happen to me, just like WE won't die from an eating disorder, WE are invinsible, RIGHT!! WRONG we are not invinsible, boy do I know that!!!! Part of me was surprised about the results but a part of me wasn't. I was still shocked, and my first thought was "chalk one up for the eating disorder". It has taken, yet again, one more thing. Thats all it seems to do is take, take, take, never gives!!!! It can try and take whatever it wants from me, but I will NEVER GIVE UP FIGHTING IT!!!!!!!!!!! I REFUSE to GIVE< it my SOUL again, IT had it once,
but NEVER again!!!
I have been going thru a difficult time lately with everything that has been happening in my life. YES, some of the eating disorder behaviours have been present, and I always know that when I am in this "space" I need to be, for some reason or another. Sometimes I am able to figure things out quickly and sometimes I can't, but what ever it is, I know I will LEARN something from it, I always do!! I am not going to give up fighting for MY life, its too important to me, and I have worked too hard for where I am today with my recovery. I have always said that, to me, recovery is a life long committment and I completely stand by that. I have the love of a wonderful man, TOM, who has been so supportive to me, who has loved me, who lets me cry on his shoulder and get tears all over his shirt, LOL, who holds me, who listens to me, and yes, sometimes gets very frusterated with me, but he never turns his back on me, NEVER!! So with his love, strength, support, listening, caring and my strength, determination, love, fight, I will get thru this!!!! I know that, because I am a WINNER!!!
ALLOWING
February 10/01
Tom and I were going to Reno, not only for a holiday, but to get married as well. I was so excited, yet so scared. I have never been there, and didn't know what to expect, "the unknown".
We got there on Sunday, Super Bowl Sunday. We went to check out our rooms first, then we headed for the casinos. I remember seeing the first casino and holding Tom's hand. I was in awe of it all. The lights, the machines, the noise, and the people. My heart started to race, but I was still with Tom holding his hand and following him everywhere he went, because I had no idea where I was going. We went through a few casino's where it led to the outside, ( I later learned it was sort of a short cut where we could stay warm ). We walked along the outside on the streets. I remember being a little cold and very scared. I was in a different place, somewhere I had never been before. Tom still by my side though. We finally got to the casino that he wanted to go to. We walked in there, and I just wanted to turn around and go back. There was so many people, it was so noisy, every one seem to be drunk, the men especially, but yet at the same time so exciting. We had to cash in some of our travellers cheques, before we could play the machines, so we did that. We finally found some machines to play. It was video poker, the only thing that I knew how to do and felt safe with, as I play "online" video poker. We sad beside each other as I said to him "don't leave me, stay beside me". We had to meet his parents (who came with us to Reno) for dinner so we left the machines and started to head in that direction. I still remember feeling so scared, so lost, like a little girl, and all the people that were there, I was terrified! All the time Tom was still there. During this time of walking through the casino and even before tears would well up in my eyes, but I wouldn't let anyone see. I was too proud! I couldn't believe this was happening to me, I couldn't believe the feelings inside me. I never thought I would react this way in a million years. I never thought I would have another panic attack. I thought I was over this, much to my surprise I wasn't. We finally met up with his parents and went for dinner, by now it was hard to hide the tears so I told Tom what I wanted for dinner ( a salad, wonder why), and said I was going to the bathroom. I got up, he saw the tears, and I left with tears flowing down my cheeks. When I sat down in the bathroom, the tears flooded out, I cried for 10 min. Talking in my head, telling myself I was being silly, that I was safe, that I wasn't with "him" or anyone who hurt me before, that how could I be like this, that I thought I was over this, what was the matter with me. Then after all the negative came out, the positive came out, which is something that my husband Tom, has given me, teaching me about being positive, looking for the positive in life! That I was OK, that I was safe, that Tom was there with me, that no one could hurt me and that it really was OK to feel like this. That I am human, and not perfect. I finally realized, that I had to allow myself to feel this way, that I wasn't over it, ( "it" meaning the abuse and drunk men). I wiped my tears away, blew my nose and was feeling soooooooooo much better after my realization, and tears. I felt strong again, still a little scared, but new I would be OK!!! Tom was waiting for me just outside the bathroom, he hugged me right away and said he loved me. I said that I loved him to and that I was going to be fine. He asked me what happened and I told him all about how I was feeling, then I said "don't leave me, be beside me, when we play the machines" he said "of course". Everything was fine after that, I finally started to enjoy myself and even won a little bit. Both Tom and his parents said that this was not a typical nite in Reno, that alot of the people there were there for Super Bowl Sunday and that it was a weekend. Sure wish I knew that before I got there, but then I wouldn't have made a connection and learned something. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Although I have been in recovery for 7 years now, I realized that nite, that its OK to "allow" yourself to "feel", even if you think you are past it or over it. I certainly thought I was, but I wasn't really. I could have sat there and continued the negative thoughts, but I knew I had to face it. I knew I had to go back out there and face my fear. When I began the positive thoughts, things started to look better. I guess the biggest thing for me that nite was not only facing it, but "allowing" myself to feel or react that way. If I had of stopped myself from feeling, it would have stayed inside me, and I would have never learned anything. Life is all about learning. I want to continue to learn about "me". Allow yourself to feel. Its OK to react to something even if you think you shouldn't or your past it, we are only human!
Thank You Tom, for all your support and love through this difficult time. You never once left my side when I needed you.
February 10/01
Tom and I were going to Reno, not only for a holiday, but to get married as well. I was so excited, yet so scared. I have never been there, and didn't know what to expect, "the unknown".
We got there on Sunday, Super Bowl Sunday. We went to check out our rooms first, then we headed for the casinos. I remember seeing the first casino and holding Tom's hand. I was in awe of it all. The lights, the machines, the noise, and the people. My heart started to race, but I was still with Tom holding his hand and following him everywhere he went, because I had no idea where I was going. We went through a few casino's where it led to the outside, ( I later learned it was sort of a short cut where we could stay warm ). We walked along the outside on the streets. I remember being a little cold and very scared. I was in a different place, somewhere I had never been before. Tom still by my side though. We finally got to the casino that he wanted to go to. We walked in there, and I just wanted to turn around and go back. There was so many people, it was so noisy, every one seem to be drunk, the men especially, but yet at the same time so exciting. We had to cash in some of our travellers cheques, before we could play the machines, so we did that. We finally found some machines to play. It was video poker, the only thing that I knew how to do and felt safe with, as I play "online" video poker. We sad beside each other as I said to him "don't leave me, stay beside me". We had to meet his parents (who came with us to Reno) for dinner so we left the machines and started to head in that direction. I still remember feeling so scared, so lost, like a little girl, and all the people that were there, I was terrified! All the time Tom was still there. During this time of walking through the casino and even before tears would well up in my eyes, but I wouldn't let anyone see. I was too proud! I couldn't believe this was happening to me, I couldn't believe the feelings inside me. I never thought I would react this way in a million years. I never thought I would have another panic attack. I thought I was over this, much to my surprise I wasn't. We finally met up with his parents and went for dinner, by now it was hard to hide the tears so I told Tom what I wanted for dinner ( a salad, wonder why), and said I was going to the bathroom. I got up, he saw the tears, and I left with tears flowing down my cheeks. When I sat down in the bathroom, the tears flooded out, I cried for 10 min. Talking in my head, telling myself I was being silly, that I was safe, that I wasn't with "him" or anyone who hurt me before, that how could I be like this, that I thought I was over this, what was the matter with me. Then after all the negative came out, the positive came out, which is something that my husband Tom, has given me, teaching me about being positive, looking for the positive in life! That I was OK, that I was safe, that Tom was there with me, that no one could hurt me and that it really was OK to feel like this. That I am human, and not perfect. I finally realized, that I had to allow myself to feel this way, that I wasn't over it, ( "it" meaning the abuse and drunk men). I wiped my tears away, blew my nose and was feeling soooooooooo much better after my realization, and tears. I felt strong again, still a little scared, but new I would be OK!!! Tom was waiting for me just outside the bathroom, he hugged me right away and said he loved me. I said that I loved him to and that I was going to be fine. He asked me what happened and I told him all about how I was feeling, then I said "don't leave me, be beside me, when we play the machines" he said "of course". Everything was fine after that, I finally started to enjoy myself and even won a little bit. Both Tom and his parents said that this was not a typical nite in Reno, that alot of the people there were there for Super Bowl Sunday and that it was a weekend. Sure wish I knew that before I got there, but then I wouldn't have made a connection and learned something. I believe everything happens for a reason.
Although I have been in recovery for 7 years now, I realized that nite, that its OK to "allow" yourself to "feel", even if you think you are past it or over it. I certainly thought I was, but I wasn't really. I could have sat there and continued the negative thoughts, but I knew I had to face it. I knew I had to go back out there and face my fear. When I began the positive thoughts, things started to look better. I guess the biggest thing for me that nite was not only facing it, but "allowing" myself to feel or react that way. If I had of stopped myself from feeling, it would have stayed inside me, and I would have never learned anything. Life is all about learning. I want to continue to learn about "me". Allow yourself to feel. Its OK to react to something even if you think you shouldn't or your past it, we are only human!
Thank You Tom, for all your support and love through this difficult time. You never once left my side when I needed you.
©KimRatcliffe