I decided to start this page for anyone who wishes to share their experience with their Eating Disorder.
I ask that everyone please respect what is written. We are all here to support one another with the daily struggles of having and Eating Disorder.
If you wish to submitt a piece please EMAIL me, and include whether you would like your name on it or not. Remember we all deserve a happy, healthy, eating disorder free life!!
I ask that everyone please respect what is written. We are all here to support one another with the daily struggles of having and Eating Disorder.
If you wish to submitt a piece please EMAIL me, and include whether you would like your name on it or not. Remember we all deserve a happy, healthy, eating disorder free life!!
The following piece was written by a woman I met off the internet. She's an amazing woman, who is much stronger, than she
thinks she is!!! I find her writings to be very strong and asked her to write something for me, to put on my
page. I knew she wanted to write something, but that she was scared, and didn't know what to write about, so
I told her to write about something that was comfortable to her, her feelings about me, and she did just that.
Today as I sit here totally freaked out about what I am about to do, I stop, put down my pen and reach for a tool. Not just any tool will do but
something that will help ease me into a better place where judgement, self monitoring and self criticism will not hinder the flow of work from my
pen. It took me about 5 minutes to gather, arrange and select from my angel cards the guidance I so need. A begining and focus that will allow
my thoughts to flow into a more positive relhem. The first I selected was the Angel of Balance, who will whisper in my ear ever so gently to free
me from my self inflected limitations and allow change to occur. Funny if you knew me, change is one of my major fears. Out of my second deck
of angel cards I noticed this little angel hiding under several cards and was drawn to her, upon looking who she was I wasn't suprised to see
that it was the light she possesed that drew me toward her. The Angel of light. The light that I need to let in to open those dark places. Funny
isn't it how both my angels have so delicately awakened my soul? Okay, so now here I am, task at hand, angels on my shoulders and a much
improved frame of mind. The reason for my apprehension in writting stems from a dear sweet woman I met last year on the internet. No I'm not a computer junkie, just a looker :>) This writting was her idea. Anyway at that point in my life I had become pretty desperate. Having just returned home from a psychatric hold of two weeks verging on the brinks of another suicide attempt, I began to read personal entries from an eating disorder site. At first it seemed that there were nothing but teens or young women I had little to connect with, then I ran across this one entry written by a woman in her late 30's, a mother and wife, who was eager to share her journey into recovery with all who'd visit her web page. Intrigued I visited. I was amazed by her story, touched by her struggles and hopeful that I could catch her recovery disease!!! I sent her a brief note knowing that she wouldn't reply. Later that day after practicing some good ole self harm I found myself back at the computer. I was so suprised to find a response! I wrote back and asked if we could arrange a time to meet online. The following morning we ended up chatting for about two hours!! It was strange to listen to the similarities we had and comforting in a sense to listen to her power and strength online. Ever since that day we have met and chatted on line sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes, much to our families pleads to join them, up to three hours!!
Several months later I was on my way to yet another treatment center. Before I left though I received an insprirational note and a photo to
take with me. I was told that I needed to read her note each day and that one day I'd be able to really read and take in what it said. I ended up
leaving the treatment center 4 days after I had arrived. Another failed attempt is all I saw, but she saw growth. Five months later I did return
though this time I wasn't going to quit, this time I felt I was ready. Packing along my note and photo too!! I stayed for three months. It was a wonderful experience this time and things had improved or at least I thought they had. Upon returning home I faultered terribly, up to the point of being hospitalized in the med ward. About a month later I got the most wonderful email!!!
SHE WAS FLYING to meet me!!! It was so hard to phathom that this woman, whom I met online and talked with for months was actually flying
in to meet me face to face. She told me she wanted to help me. Of course she said she cared but shoot she'd never met me and had no clue what she was walking into!! We spent the most wonderfully inspirational five days together! We talked for hours, ate together, argued, cried, hugged and shopped!! It was super and I would have never imagined it would have turned out like this, she was a "real woman" in every sense! Its still hard to believe even now after all this time she is still there. Not once has she ever given up on me not turned her head when my slide downward seemed so bleak. Something inside her is so darn strong and accepting that keeps her standing there by my side. I have learned something about myself through this friendship, something not less than two months ago I'd never have believe, acknowledge or accept, well I'm working on that one, its that I, Carrie, could ever have and sustain a friendship and not destroy it or reject it! That a friendship could actually be healthy and okay. Although I'm far from recovery at this point, my special friend is encouraging, challenging and at times pushing me along the way.
My reasons for taking up space on this page and wasting ink is to once again take her challenge and to write down what it is she means to
me. I dont know if the mess of words above has conveyed enough or even if its acceptable now that its been written. Hang on, I just glanced at my angles again, I guess what I'm hoping I have accomplished is to let you know just how truely special this lady is to me! I'm seeing her light and feeling her arms around me and holding her hand each day, and the days I can't, well she is still there shinning on me, holding me and taking my hand in hers. I guess thats it in a nut shell!! The admiration, respect and love I have for her sits way down in my empty soul. Its there that her magic is. Who knows maybe someday it will turn on within me?? Could I ever admire anything I do? Or Ever allow myself to respect and honor myself? What about ever saying the "L" word to myself?? I guess time will tell or if you want to know now, you can email my angel at:[email protected], she has more answers than I do! My angels name??? I havent forgotten, its Kim, my heavenly living angel!!!!!
Kim, I wouldnt be here where I am now without your love, support and guidance!!! ((((KIM)))) may we grow old together! Thats another thing
you have helped me to see that I do want for me...to live as many days as I can.
Thanks a million,
love and hugs,
Carrie
toodles
Carrie, your piece touched my heart and soul, and brought many tears to my eyes.You are a very strong woman, and I believe in you, and I know you will continue to recover! Please see "How I Am Now" for my response to Carrie's piece.
thinks she is!!! I find her writings to be very strong and asked her to write something for me, to put on my
page. I knew she wanted to write something, but that she was scared, and didn't know what to write about, so
I told her to write about something that was comfortable to her, her feelings about me, and she did just that.
Today as I sit here totally freaked out about what I am about to do, I stop, put down my pen and reach for a tool. Not just any tool will do but
something that will help ease me into a better place where judgement, self monitoring and self criticism will not hinder the flow of work from my
pen. It took me about 5 minutes to gather, arrange and select from my angel cards the guidance I so need. A begining and focus that will allow
my thoughts to flow into a more positive relhem. The first I selected was the Angel of Balance, who will whisper in my ear ever so gently to free
me from my self inflected limitations and allow change to occur. Funny if you knew me, change is one of my major fears. Out of my second deck
of angel cards I noticed this little angel hiding under several cards and was drawn to her, upon looking who she was I wasn't suprised to see
that it was the light she possesed that drew me toward her. The Angel of light. The light that I need to let in to open those dark places. Funny
isn't it how both my angels have so delicately awakened my soul? Okay, so now here I am, task at hand, angels on my shoulders and a much
improved frame of mind. The reason for my apprehension in writting stems from a dear sweet woman I met last year on the internet. No I'm not a computer junkie, just a looker :>) This writting was her idea. Anyway at that point in my life I had become pretty desperate. Having just returned home from a psychatric hold of two weeks verging on the brinks of another suicide attempt, I began to read personal entries from an eating disorder site. At first it seemed that there were nothing but teens or young women I had little to connect with, then I ran across this one entry written by a woman in her late 30's, a mother and wife, who was eager to share her journey into recovery with all who'd visit her web page. Intrigued I visited. I was amazed by her story, touched by her struggles and hopeful that I could catch her recovery disease!!! I sent her a brief note knowing that she wouldn't reply. Later that day after practicing some good ole self harm I found myself back at the computer. I was so suprised to find a response! I wrote back and asked if we could arrange a time to meet online. The following morning we ended up chatting for about two hours!! It was strange to listen to the similarities we had and comforting in a sense to listen to her power and strength online. Ever since that day we have met and chatted on line sometimes for 5 minutes and sometimes, much to our families pleads to join them, up to three hours!!
Several months later I was on my way to yet another treatment center. Before I left though I received an insprirational note and a photo to
take with me. I was told that I needed to read her note each day and that one day I'd be able to really read and take in what it said. I ended up
leaving the treatment center 4 days after I had arrived. Another failed attempt is all I saw, but she saw growth. Five months later I did return
though this time I wasn't going to quit, this time I felt I was ready. Packing along my note and photo too!! I stayed for three months. It was a wonderful experience this time and things had improved or at least I thought they had. Upon returning home I faultered terribly, up to the point of being hospitalized in the med ward. About a month later I got the most wonderful email!!!
SHE WAS FLYING to meet me!!! It was so hard to phathom that this woman, whom I met online and talked with for months was actually flying
in to meet me face to face. She told me she wanted to help me. Of course she said she cared but shoot she'd never met me and had no clue what she was walking into!! We spent the most wonderfully inspirational five days together! We talked for hours, ate together, argued, cried, hugged and shopped!! It was super and I would have never imagined it would have turned out like this, she was a "real woman" in every sense! Its still hard to believe even now after all this time she is still there. Not once has she ever given up on me not turned her head when my slide downward seemed so bleak. Something inside her is so darn strong and accepting that keeps her standing there by my side. I have learned something about myself through this friendship, something not less than two months ago I'd never have believe, acknowledge or accept, well I'm working on that one, its that I, Carrie, could ever have and sustain a friendship and not destroy it or reject it! That a friendship could actually be healthy and okay. Although I'm far from recovery at this point, my special friend is encouraging, challenging and at times pushing me along the way.
My reasons for taking up space on this page and wasting ink is to once again take her challenge and to write down what it is she means to
me. I dont know if the mess of words above has conveyed enough or even if its acceptable now that its been written. Hang on, I just glanced at my angles again, I guess what I'm hoping I have accomplished is to let you know just how truely special this lady is to me! I'm seeing her light and feeling her arms around me and holding her hand each day, and the days I can't, well she is still there shinning on me, holding me and taking my hand in hers. I guess thats it in a nut shell!! The admiration, respect and love I have for her sits way down in my empty soul. Its there that her magic is. Who knows maybe someday it will turn on within me?? Could I ever admire anything I do? Or Ever allow myself to respect and honor myself? What about ever saying the "L" word to myself?? I guess time will tell or if you want to know now, you can email my angel at:[email protected], she has more answers than I do! My angels name??? I havent forgotten, its Kim, my heavenly living angel!!!!!
Kim, I wouldnt be here where I am now without your love, support and guidance!!! ((((KIM)))) may we grow old together! Thats another thing
you have helped me to see that I do want for me...to live as many days as I can.
Thanks a million,
love and hugs,
Carrie
toodles
Carrie, your piece touched my heart and soul, and brought many tears to my eyes.You are a very strong woman, and I believe in you, and I know you will continue to recover! Please see "How I Am Now" for my response to Carrie's piece.
This piece was written by a lady. We have been talking for a short period now.
You can just call me scared. I am in the denial part I guess. Even though I am 37, almost 38, and should definately know better, I continue to not eat or not eat enough, and I've just in the past 2 years started to realize just where I am with this. I say THIS and IT because I can't bring myself to say the right word for it yet. Way down inside I know I have it, but I want it to stay way down inside. It scares me, it makes me cringe, it makes me feel like I'm not right, it makes me cry, it makes me sick, it makes me feel like I'm not even me, that I'm talking about when I do talk about it. I can't have it. Gee, does that make sense to anyone but me??? and it makes me feel like I'd be lost without it. IT is a scary thing and I think I do want it to leave :-( I am scared right now because, for God knows how long, 15, 20, 25 years??? I've just felt fat and it has been with me. As far back as 2nd grade. And at this moment in my life, I am so very totally enveloped in this, more than I ever, ever have been. I'm at X pounds with X pounds flashing in my head. I'm scared this time I'll get myself there. I'm scared because I know I can go lower, each time I do, and that is why, about a month ago I decided to find someone. Someone to talk to about this. I'm too scared to talk with anyone I know personally, my family, or even my very best friend! That's sad and sick. So I did the only thing I could think of, found someone online that could maybe help me figure this out, and YES, I was scared!! When I finally came across this one name, I typed out my message to her, and of course it took at least and hour to click the
send button to instant message her!! But I did, and I am glad, she is my age. I was looking for that. She wasn't online at the time I sent my first message and I can't describe to you the adrenaline that rushed through my body when I finally did click send. I sat in front of my computer and thought, "I cannot believe i just did that!" This was the very first time I'd even begun to admit I might have a problem! The next morning when I booted up the old computer, there was a message blinking there. A message from Kim. Thank you Kim :-)
So, in a month, I have gotten the courage to at least start talking with someone about this. That makes me scared too, crazy isn't it? I have learned something I never really knew, maybe it is here because I am too scared to say what I think and say what I feel. But I'm learning to do it. Privately, by journaling. I do understand how it probably does help. I have never been one to express my thoughts and feelings. Keep it in, that's me in a nutshell. Truly it is with me, every thing is fine, even when its not. I still choose to cut the cals. and I still choose to try and get to the weight I want. I do hope though, that I will manage to get a grip on it before it keeps its grip on me, and I want to be able to loose that word!! SCARED.........I've typed it like 9 or more times already, and I want it to be less the next time I write, so where am I right now? Just getting started!! Just starting to try and understand, just starting to reach out
for answers, just starting to want a normal life, just starting to want a life without IT!! So what's my problem? I'M TOO SCARED THAT IF I ADMIT TO IT, MY LIFE WILL STOP.........AND I'M TOO SCARED THAT IF I DON'T ADMIT TO IT, MY LIFE WILL STOP.........I'm stuck.....
You can just call me scared. I am in the denial part I guess. Even though I am 37, almost 38, and should definately know better, I continue to not eat or not eat enough, and I've just in the past 2 years started to realize just where I am with this. I say THIS and IT because I can't bring myself to say the right word for it yet. Way down inside I know I have it, but I want it to stay way down inside. It scares me, it makes me cringe, it makes me feel like I'm not right, it makes me cry, it makes me sick, it makes me feel like I'm not even me, that I'm talking about when I do talk about it. I can't have it. Gee, does that make sense to anyone but me??? and it makes me feel like I'd be lost without it. IT is a scary thing and I think I do want it to leave :-( I am scared right now because, for God knows how long, 15, 20, 25 years??? I've just felt fat and it has been with me. As far back as 2nd grade. And at this moment in my life, I am so very totally enveloped in this, more than I ever, ever have been. I'm at X pounds with X pounds flashing in my head. I'm scared this time I'll get myself there. I'm scared because I know I can go lower, each time I do, and that is why, about a month ago I decided to find someone. Someone to talk to about this. I'm too scared to talk with anyone I know personally, my family, or even my very best friend! That's sad and sick. So I did the only thing I could think of, found someone online that could maybe help me figure this out, and YES, I was scared!! When I finally came across this one name, I typed out my message to her, and of course it took at least and hour to click the
send button to instant message her!! But I did, and I am glad, she is my age. I was looking for that. She wasn't online at the time I sent my first message and I can't describe to you the adrenaline that rushed through my body when I finally did click send. I sat in front of my computer and thought, "I cannot believe i just did that!" This was the very first time I'd even begun to admit I might have a problem! The next morning when I booted up the old computer, there was a message blinking there. A message from Kim. Thank you Kim :-)
So, in a month, I have gotten the courage to at least start talking with someone about this. That makes me scared too, crazy isn't it? I have learned something I never really knew, maybe it is here because I am too scared to say what I think and say what I feel. But I'm learning to do it. Privately, by journaling. I do understand how it probably does help. I have never been one to express my thoughts and feelings. Keep it in, that's me in a nutshell. Truly it is with me, every thing is fine, even when its not. I still choose to cut the cals. and I still choose to try and get to the weight I want. I do hope though, that I will manage to get a grip on it before it keeps its grip on me, and I want to be able to loose that word!! SCARED.........I've typed it like 9 or more times already, and I want it to be less the next time I write, so where am I right now? Just getting started!! Just starting to try and understand, just starting to reach out
for answers, just starting to want a normal life, just starting to want a life without IT!! So what's my problem? I'M TOO SCARED THAT IF I ADMIT TO IT, MY LIFE WILL STOP.........AND I'M TOO SCARED THAT IF I DON'T ADMIT TO IT, MY LIFE WILL STOP.........I'm stuck.....
This next piece is written my a young lady named Erin, she is 16 years old, and we have been talking for a short period.
She saw my web site and contacted me. This is how she feels today. I am sure many of us can relate to what she has written.
February 4, 2000
Look at me. You don't see me. You see a happy girl who's got it all.
That's not me. I won't let you open your eyes to who I really am. I won't let you see me. The girl I once was has faded away never to return again. Anorexia has stolen her. If I smile just a little bigger, I can fool the world. Look at me, I'm the girl who's got it all. If only you knew that my spirit has died long ago.
She saw my web site and contacted me. This is how she feels today. I am sure many of us can relate to what she has written.
February 4, 2000
Look at me. You don't see me. You see a happy girl who's got it all.
That's not me. I won't let you open your eyes to who I really am. I won't let you see me. The girl I once was has faded away never to return again. Anorexia has stolen her. If I smile just a little bigger, I can fool the world. Look at me, I'm the girl who's got it all. If only you knew that my spirit has died long ago.
This poem was written by a young woman named Jennie. This is her struggles with the secrecy around her
eating disorder.
February 20, 2000
Bulimia, who me?
Confident, assured, helpful, thoughtful.
As I project this image to the world
That`s what you see
This is not me. It`s all wrong. The shape of my stomach, hips, lips,
Breasts, the arch of my back, the corns on my feet.
I am confident I was born a mistake.
Confident, assured, helpful, thoughtful.
This is what I let you see. Not the real me.
Don`t get close as I am afraid and I may bite, cry, scream, push and pull away.
I know this is what you see but it`s not me.
Often the voices say ``what`s the point? you can`t beat this anyway``
A few pills
A gun
Is this the solution for the confident one?
I think yes, I think no
Each day as I meet the toilet bowl
I know it`s dangerous
I know I could die
Not that I care
Because I know death is no lie.
eating disorder.
February 20, 2000
Bulimia, who me?
Confident, assured, helpful, thoughtful.
As I project this image to the world
That`s what you see
This is not me. It`s all wrong. The shape of my stomach, hips, lips,
Breasts, the arch of my back, the corns on my feet.
I am confident I was born a mistake.
Confident, assured, helpful, thoughtful.
This is what I let you see. Not the real me.
Don`t get close as I am afraid and I may bite, cry, scream, push and pull away.
I know this is what you see but it`s not me.
Often the voices say ``what`s the point? you can`t beat this anyway``
A few pills
A gun
Is this the solution for the confident one?
I think yes, I think no
Each day as I meet the toilet bowl
I know it`s dangerous
I know I could die
Not that I care
Because I know death is no lie.
©kimratcliffe