A New Memory
Soon she will be heralding in a new year
The strides she’s made glow in the mirror
This year started out with a crash
She thought the pain would always last
Her life should’ve ended, she wanted it to end
But someone or something had other plans, now her life is on the mend
As she looks back, with confidence she can say
Things will never be the same; today is the day
She reached out scared and confused
She thought healing and recovery was just a rouse
To her surprise as she reached out more and more
She saw a light start to glow from behind a door
Turning the knob was the hardest part
She wanted to just run back into the dark
However with the help of a collective of supports
She took the first steps and her enemies’ battle plan she thwarts
Though her year had many highlights and lowlights
She battled through many torturous fights
She smiles in victory over many battles she has fought
Earnestly a life free was what she sought
She has won many battles and though she has many more to come
She can rest in the knowledge of the things she has already done
She will be healed and recovered from the things that try to hold her down
The battle is already won because she is a survivor and knows freedom can be found
Written By Cora Wright
Dec. 2010
The strides she’s made glow in the mirror
This year started out with a crash
She thought the pain would always last
Her life should’ve ended, she wanted it to end
But someone or something had other plans, now her life is on the mend
As she looks back, with confidence she can say
Things will never be the same; today is the day
She reached out scared and confused
She thought healing and recovery was just a rouse
To her surprise as she reached out more and more
She saw a light start to glow from behind a door
Turning the knob was the hardest part
She wanted to just run back into the dark
However with the help of a collective of supports
She took the first steps and her enemies’ battle plan she thwarts
Though her year had many highlights and lowlights
She battled through many torturous fights
She smiles in victory over many battles she has fought
Earnestly a life free was what she sought
She has won many battles and though she has many more to come
She can rest in the knowledge of the things she has already done
She will be healed and recovered from the things that try to hold her down
The battle is already won because she is a survivor and knows freedom can be found
Written By Cora Wright
Dec. 2010
New Years Poem
She started her journey not so long ago
As she looked over the terrain the mountains
She’ll have to climb shine in the suns glow
At first her thoughts were the journey is too traitorous
She felt defeated before she started
But she grabbed a hand stretched out
Now she looks up to the stars and says
Another years gone by
Now its her time to fly
Another year has gone
She knows where she belongs
The battles shes fought and won
She is starting to learn how to move on
She took a step jumped and took a chance
The music starts and she starts to dance
So many times this year she took a step and fell
But whos to say stay had to stay that way
She beat those thoughts, climbed the rope and rang the bell
Now she climbs the stairs each step with confidence
Should she stumble theres people to help keep her on her feet
As she runs into resistance she reaches out and climbed over the fence
Now she looks up to the stars and says
Another years gone by
Now its her time to fly
Another year has gone
She knows where she belongs
The battles shes fought and won
She is starting to learn how to move on
She took a step jumped and took a chance
The music starts and she starts to dance
She’s a survivor
She’s strong
She’s livin’ life her way
It’s voice she bids be gone
Now as she looks at the stars with confidence she says
Another years gone by
Now its her time to fly
Another year has gone
She knows where she belongs
The battles shes fought and won
She is starting to learn how to move on
She took a step jumped and took a chance
The music starts and she starts to dance
Written By Cora Wright
January 2011
She started her journey not so long ago
As she looked over the terrain the mountains
She’ll have to climb shine in the suns glow
At first her thoughts were the journey is too traitorous
She felt defeated before she started
But she grabbed a hand stretched out
Now she looks up to the stars and says
Another years gone by
Now its her time to fly
Another year has gone
She knows where she belongs
The battles shes fought and won
She is starting to learn how to move on
She took a step jumped and took a chance
The music starts and she starts to dance
So many times this year she took a step and fell
But whos to say stay had to stay that way
She beat those thoughts, climbed the rope and rang the bell
Now she climbs the stairs each step with confidence
Should she stumble theres people to help keep her on her feet
As she runs into resistance she reaches out and climbed over the fence
Now she looks up to the stars and says
Another years gone by
Now its her time to fly
Another year has gone
She knows where she belongs
The battles shes fought and won
She is starting to learn how to move on
She took a step jumped and took a chance
The music starts and she starts to dance
She’s a survivor
She’s strong
She’s livin’ life her way
It’s voice she bids be gone
Now as she looks at the stars with confidence she says
Another years gone by
Now its her time to fly
Another year has gone
She knows where she belongs
The battles shes fought and won
She is starting to learn how to move on
She took a step jumped and took a chance
The music starts and she starts to dance
Written By Cora Wright
January 2011
Triggers
As she said it I just wanted to be able to rewind time to 5 seconds earlier before she had said it.
Last time when Clive asked me if I was pregnant, I lost XXX in 10 weeks & only stopped when admission and NGT was threatened. But that is not going to happen this time - maybe XXX Or XXX.
Don't even know what I weigh but I still have my scales. You could weigh yourself, get a baseline. NO NO NO freaking NO. Well if someone thinks you are pregnant you must be looking fat. Stop it, no stop it, you are not fat,
why did she say that, why? I was happy or at least accepting of my body, bonding with my little pottie and now it's different.
Different, does it look like there's a baby in there, is it bulging? I think it is. Don't be stupid it's no different to yesterday morning before she dropped the atomic bomb. So casually, innocently. You have to do something about it, you can you know you can, it's easy, you know you want to. And you are going away, they'll be no one to stop you.
Helen has a treadmill - restrictions? what restrictions? they belong in Australia. New rules in the UK. NO, NO, NO. DON'T DO IT. Helen will help me. But she can't stop you. And she'll be at work some days. Kate and I can walk and walk and walk.
Why did she say that, why? so there's a rumour I don't care but just don't tell me. Trigger trigger trigger - little ones I can stand like Mel telling me how much weight she has lost but this?? SHOOT I can handle this. Can you? you couldn't last time-what makes you think you can this time?
Just 1 more relapse. No this time I'm different I can see me as I am, not fat, I get hungry, I like food, I have days when I don't want to exercise. Are you sure? you could do those things but can you still? pregnant and not fat? a treadmill at your beck and call? You know you want to.
But I'm NOT going to. So you agree you want to? I don't know. I shouldn't. 1 sentence. Forget it forget it. It's NOT true. Are you sure? How do you know? show me the evidence?
Why can't the rumour be that I'm alcoholic, having an affair, anything but pregnant? Forget it. Concentrate on everything I have learnt, pay attention to each choice, stick to my routine to the letter, no deviations, no exceptions.
You can't do it. Pregnant - it's disgusting. How fat you must look. Faaaaaaat, Waaaaaah! Ha! Treadmill, UK, no one will know! aren't you tempted??You are aren't you? Yes of course I am. Who wouldn't be? well the vast majority of the population I guess. I need to join them, be chilled, find my belief again that I am healthy and fit and carry on looking after my body.
Crap I can't lose the plot now.
As much as I hate to admit it there is a slight chance that Trotty is right and being a healthy weight is contributing to my remission. I can't risk losing weight. It's just not an option. Says who? it is an option - are you going to choose it? odds are, based on your history,,,,,,,,,,you can't deny it. This time is going to be different, oh please God let it be different. GOD has nothing to do with it- it's you. your choices. your strength. your belief in yourself.
Bullshit, you can't do it, you don't want to do it. BUZZ off, shut up and get out of my head. I don't want you, PISS off.
And so on and so on……..
When I was out in town shopping - She's thin, you can see her hip bones she would never be mistaken for being pregnant. She's not fat like you. A pregnant lady- about 6 months? how pregnant did you look? 5,6,9months?
At the gym- pretty similar - Bet everyone can see you belly protruding, sticking out in front of you as you run!
At the beach - They are looking at you- looking at you pregnant belly. Are you ashamed? embarrassed- you should be!!!
And I do feel ashamed that these thoughts have come back so easily. And pissed off that she opened her mouth. Not that she had any idea.
Going for a massage tomorrow and had been looking forward to it but now....................gonna take nerves of steel to bare my bod.
But it's not my depression which would be far far worse. Helps keep it in perspective. Just a 24/7 irritant. Battle to fight. Another one. I'm tired and this isn't helping, but I will survive. Have survived worse.
And today I have eaten and exercised as normal- ED 0 , 1 to me!
Ali x
Written By Alison Cupitt - November 2010
This was a piece written by Ali - it was a conversation she was having in her head with ED.
As she said it I just wanted to be able to rewind time to 5 seconds earlier before she had said it.
Last time when Clive asked me if I was pregnant, I lost XXX in 10 weeks & only stopped when admission and NGT was threatened. But that is not going to happen this time - maybe XXX Or XXX.
Don't even know what I weigh but I still have my scales. You could weigh yourself, get a baseline. NO NO NO freaking NO. Well if someone thinks you are pregnant you must be looking fat. Stop it, no stop it, you are not fat,
why did she say that, why? I was happy or at least accepting of my body, bonding with my little pottie and now it's different.
Different, does it look like there's a baby in there, is it bulging? I think it is. Don't be stupid it's no different to yesterday morning before she dropped the atomic bomb. So casually, innocently. You have to do something about it, you can you know you can, it's easy, you know you want to. And you are going away, they'll be no one to stop you.
Helen has a treadmill - restrictions? what restrictions? they belong in Australia. New rules in the UK. NO, NO, NO. DON'T DO IT. Helen will help me. But she can't stop you. And she'll be at work some days. Kate and I can walk and walk and walk.
Why did she say that, why? so there's a rumour I don't care but just don't tell me. Trigger trigger trigger - little ones I can stand like Mel telling me how much weight she has lost but this?? SHOOT I can handle this. Can you? you couldn't last time-what makes you think you can this time?
Just 1 more relapse. No this time I'm different I can see me as I am, not fat, I get hungry, I like food, I have days when I don't want to exercise. Are you sure? you could do those things but can you still? pregnant and not fat? a treadmill at your beck and call? You know you want to.
But I'm NOT going to. So you agree you want to? I don't know. I shouldn't. 1 sentence. Forget it forget it. It's NOT true. Are you sure? How do you know? show me the evidence?
Why can't the rumour be that I'm alcoholic, having an affair, anything but pregnant? Forget it. Concentrate on everything I have learnt, pay attention to each choice, stick to my routine to the letter, no deviations, no exceptions.
You can't do it. Pregnant - it's disgusting. How fat you must look. Faaaaaaat, Waaaaaah! Ha! Treadmill, UK, no one will know! aren't you tempted??You are aren't you? Yes of course I am. Who wouldn't be? well the vast majority of the population I guess. I need to join them, be chilled, find my belief again that I am healthy and fit and carry on looking after my body.
Crap I can't lose the plot now.
As much as I hate to admit it there is a slight chance that Trotty is right and being a healthy weight is contributing to my remission. I can't risk losing weight. It's just not an option. Says who? it is an option - are you going to choose it? odds are, based on your history,,,,,,,,,,you can't deny it. This time is going to be different, oh please God let it be different. GOD has nothing to do with it- it's you. your choices. your strength. your belief in yourself.
Bullshit, you can't do it, you don't want to do it. BUZZ off, shut up and get out of my head. I don't want you, PISS off.
And so on and so on……..
When I was out in town shopping - She's thin, you can see her hip bones she would never be mistaken for being pregnant. She's not fat like you. A pregnant lady- about 6 months? how pregnant did you look? 5,6,9months?
At the gym- pretty similar - Bet everyone can see you belly protruding, sticking out in front of you as you run!
At the beach - They are looking at you- looking at you pregnant belly. Are you ashamed? embarrassed- you should be!!!
And I do feel ashamed that these thoughts have come back so easily. And pissed off that she opened her mouth. Not that she had any idea.
Going for a massage tomorrow and had been looking forward to it but now....................gonna take nerves of steel to bare my bod.
But it's not my depression which would be far far worse. Helps keep it in perspective. Just a 24/7 irritant. Battle to fight. Another one. I'm tired and this isn't helping, but I will survive. Have survived worse.
And today I have eaten and exercised as normal- ED 0 , 1 to me!
Ali x
Written By Alison Cupitt - November 2010
This was a piece written by Ali - it was a conversation she was having in her head with ED.
Fear
The last few days have been mentally exhausting for me since therapy on Thursday. Having to eat XXX calories has been a fear of mine since the last time I could remember. It is a forbidden number just as there were forbidden numbers when I had my scale. I was forbidden via ED to go over a pound or under a pound and if I did, I was considered a failure. In this case with XXX calories, if I went over XXX calories even with exercise, I am considered a failure via ED. I do not watch my calories THAT close to know exactly but I know within certain ranges if my calories fall close to XXX or not. I am upset and frustrated that I have to eat XXX calories. I am direly afraid of gaining weight. I am afraid of the unknown…I know from therapist and from my mentor that I must face my fear. I am putting my trust in them because they know best. I on the other hand have gotten myself in this situation I cannot rationalize. I am not prepared to mentally handle the prospect of eating XXX calories this soon but I am forcing myself into the challenge because I do not know what the result will be. I am scared that the result will be weight gain but my hope is that it won’t be THAT! I am eating nothing but healthy things. I will not allow myself to have anything but healthy. If I cannot control the calories I will control the types of foods that I give my body. This is okay because it will provide my body with the proper fuel that it needs to operate efficiently. I am scared beyond measure to take the first step in eating so much. It has been nearly a year since I have eaten more than XXX calories other than the days that I do my long runs. ED is really bad right now. I try to think of myself in a healthy way and thinking of this change as a life change…because it is. I know it’s the next big step in recovery for me despite what ED says. I guess I could describe it as a tug of war. I feel free to jump and feel like I can make the adult decision to be confident in eating XXX calories and being less anxious about it then a few hours later I am back thinking about how the heck I am going to accomplish this stuff. I watch my friends eat tonight and I see that they load their plates with food without thinking twice. I, on the other hand am counting calories as I put food on my plate. I am still afraid of how much I am getting, although today I ate how many calories I was supposed to eat. I had a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast, peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch w/baked chips, and a bean/cheese taco and chicken fajita taco for dinner with rice and a little bit of dip. That was more than enough for me. I also drank more water than I normally do and I only drank one diet coke today. I am trying to eliminate things that aren’t what my body would need. While I am at it, I may as well eliminate all the things that aren’t good and add in things that are better.
Seeing exercise in a healthy way is my goal and has been what I have been doing most of the time. The only time I had a problem with it was over the holidays and a few days in between. I seem to have a harder time with exercise as a purging activity when stress is high. I lose sight of the purpose of the activity and think only about running. Also, if things get in the way of my running, I lose my mind. If I have my runs planned out for the week and something comes up and they don’t happen, I need to learn how to deal with that. I know that would be an adult decision but I need to figure out some strategies for coping with things when they don’t go as planned.
Last night around 4:00 in the morning I was dreaming I was going to the nursing home to see my mom. I went out on the back patio of the nursing home and cleared a place for us to eat lunch. I set everything out and got it all ready then went inside to go get my mom. When I got inside I was taken back because I then realized that my mom had died when I got inside the nursing home. I started balling in my sleep. I have never cried in my sleep before so much. I was up for the rest of the morning tossing and turning. I miss my mom…what do I miss, I don’t know. How does this issue factor into ED? I think it contributes to my anxiousness. It scared me. I feel so down and I wanted to wake up my husband and tell him about it or tell him about it today but I don’t want to start another argument on how I need to just get over it when dealing with the grief with my mom. The only way I was able to rest was to think of the run I did yesterday. At the end of my run, I left my running buddy and on the way home, I was looking up at the sky and thinking about my mom. I thought in my head, good morning mom, miss you! Then I saw a yellow butterfly come out of nowhere once again. It helped put my mind at ease once again. I guess even though things happened in my life, I can still have peace even if it’s only believable to me. So, I cried to myself and kept my grief quiet …well I shared it here. I hope I don’t have another one of those dreams. I guess I am having hard time accepting the fact that my mom is really not here on earth anymore.
Written December 2012 - at this time the writer wishes to be anonymous
The last few days have been mentally exhausting for me since therapy on Thursday. Having to eat XXX calories has been a fear of mine since the last time I could remember. It is a forbidden number just as there were forbidden numbers when I had my scale. I was forbidden via ED to go over a pound or under a pound and if I did, I was considered a failure. In this case with XXX calories, if I went over XXX calories even with exercise, I am considered a failure via ED. I do not watch my calories THAT close to know exactly but I know within certain ranges if my calories fall close to XXX or not. I am upset and frustrated that I have to eat XXX calories. I am direly afraid of gaining weight. I am afraid of the unknown…I know from therapist and from my mentor that I must face my fear. I am putting my trust in them because they know best. I on the other hand have gotten myself in this situation I cannot rationalize. I am not prepared to mentally handle the prospect of eating XXX calories this soon but I am forcing myself into the challenge because I do not know what the result will be. I am scared that the result will be weight gain but my hope is that it won’t be THAT! I am eating nothing but healthy things. I will not allow myself to have anything but healthy. If I cannot control the calories I will control the types of foods that I give my body. This is okay because it will provide my body with the proper fuel that it needs to operate efficiently. I am scared beyond measure to take the first step in eating so much. It has been nearly a year since I have eaten more than XXX calories other than the days that I do my long runs. ED is really bad right now. I try to think of myself in a healthy way and thinking of this change as a life change…because it is. I know it’s the next big step in recovery for me despite what ED says. I guess I could describe it as a tug of war. I feel free to jump and feel like I can make the adult decision to be confident in eating XXX calories and being less anxious about it then a few hours later I am back thinking about how the heck I am going to accomplish this stuff. I watch my friends eat tonight and I see that they load their plates with food without thinking twice. I, on the other hand am counting calories as I put food on my plate. I am still afraid of how much I am getting, although today I ate how many calories I was supposed to eat. I had a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast, peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch w/baked chips, and a bean/cheese taco and chicken fajita taco for dinner with rice and a little bit of dip. That was more than enough for me. I also drank more water than I normally do and I only drank one diet coke today. I am trying to eliminate things that aren’t what my body would need. While I am at it, I may as well eliminate all the things that aren’t good and add in things that are better.
Seeing exercise in a healthy way is my goal and has been what I have been doing most of the time. The only time I had a problem with it was over the holidays and a few days in between. I seem to have a harder time with exercise as a purging activity when stress is high. I lose sight of the purpose of the activity and think only about running. Also, if things get in the way of my running, I lose my mind. If I have my runs planned out for the week and something comes up and they don’t happen, I need to learn how to deal with that. I know that would be an adult decision but I need to figure out some strategies for coping with things when they don’t go as planned.
Last night around 4:00 in the morning I was dreaming I was going to the nursing home to see my mom. I went out on the back patio of the nursing home and cleared a place for us to eat lunch. I set everything out and got it all ready then went inside to go get my mom. When I got inside I was taken back because I then realized that my mom had died when I got inside the nursing home. I started balling in my sleep. I have never cried in my sleep before so much. I was up for the rest of the morning tossing and turning. I miss my mom…what do I miss, I don’t know. How does this issue factor into ED? I think it contributes to my anxiousness. It scared me. I feel so down and I wanted to wake up my husband and tell him about it or tell him about it today but I don’t want to start another argument on how I need to just get over it when dealing with the grief with my mom. The only way I was able to rest was to think of the run I did yesterday. At the end of my run, I left my running buddy and on the way home, I was looking up at the sky and thinking about my mom. I thought in my head, good morning mom, miss you! Then I saw a yellow butterfly come out of nowhere once again. It helped put my mind at ease once again. I guess even though things happened in my life, I can still have peace even if it’s only believable to me. So, I cried to myself and kept my grief quiet …well I shared it here. I hope I don’t have another one of those dreams. I guess I am having hard time accepting the fact that my mom is really not here on earth anymore.
Written December 2012 - at this time the writer wishes to be anonymous
©kimratcliffe