July 16/95
Was up so much with Justine I can't even remember if I dreamed a lot. Got up and fed the kids, then I got to have my shower and breakfast. I was busy helping my ex so he could go sooner. I left for my mom's with Brent and Justine. I knew I had to get out of the house or I would go nuts. We to mom's and I loaded the table in. I was quite impressed with her actions towards the kids, she seemed to be eager to talk to them and spend time with them. Its been a while. We dropped the table off at Debbie's, then went to the park. We had lunch with my ex. I had a gross veggie burger and salad. I spent most of my time watching the kids, it was so hot today. I bought a slurpee and came home. I didn't want dinner but had a little bit. The kids took forever to settle down. Our "family & friends" is cancelled tomorrow but we still are going to grandma's. I feel like I have binged all day especially because I wanted to restrict. I went for a 25 min walk to clear my mind and to purge. It was nice. I wanted to call Linda and tell her a message but I couldn't talk. I dialed the number but nothing came out. I feel like i am losing it and have no control except my eating and I can't even do that. I don't know what to do. I have no time for myself especially this past weekend. I'm torn between going to Whistler (it turns out we couldn't go after all) with just my ex or with the kids, or both. I am afraid of Justine and her sleeping and wondering if I am coming back and the same for Brent.
July 17/95
Not a bad sleep. Justine was up twice. We kind of slept in, so I felt rushed this morning. I seem to be doing everything to avoid eating breakfast but I also end up eating it. That is my victory. Before we drove out to (my) grandma's we stopped at 7-11 and I got a coffee. My ex mad a comment about how I didn't need coffee. I never said anything but we talked about it later and I explained how I felt and I think he understood. We had a full day at grandma's, as we had to go to the lawyers. I now have power of attorney and joint ownership of the house and bank account. I went a long time without eating and I was shaking so bad. We left there at 3:45 and I had 1/2 of a sub. It was OK. I had a hypoglycemia attack and slept most of the way home.
It was so hot in our house when we got back. I fed 2 kids and got them to bed while my ex got the pizza. Craig and I ate together. Then I started my usual. I went to Pat's to drop off some stuff. We had a short visit. Overall, the day felt fine, although I am not sure if I am covering up how I really feel or what. I do know I am trying to stay busy so I don't have to feel or think. I've got plans to take the kids somewhere tomorrow so I am busy. A friend of mine isn't going to group tomorrow, I hope she is OK, and not just isolating.
July 18/95
My dreaming came back. I dreamt about living back in my old house (the one I grew up in) I always feel safe there. Brent was up first so we brought him in bed with us. Then we all got up and did our usual. I knew I had to get out of the house so we went to London Drugs and Safeway. I seemed to have to yell at the kids the whole time, but we made it through. When we got home there was a message that Linda called and she would call later. I half expected her to call at lunch or during her break. The kids had lunch then me. They went out to play and I lied down. I was so tired. Brent got up and I gave him , some lunch, then went downstairs for a bit (where it was cooler). The kids went through the sprinkler and I left around 3:00. Linda still hadn't called. I met a friend before group, it was a nice visit. I was early and I could have gone up to see Linda but I'm letting her stew. I am now at St. Paul's having my dinner and getting ready for group. It was a good meeting. It was an "anti" group, just what I needed. We talked about taking baby steps towards a healthy life. I suggested claiming victories because it helps YOU believe in yourself.
Victories (for the week)
- went to group Tue when 2 other's didn't
- talked with a friend about our relationship
- didn't lose any weight
- worked on my cross stitch and went to tanning
- had pizza, 2 fries, & ice cream
- called Linda
- bought and ate a store muffin (listen to my body)
- no laxatives
- told a neighbour I was abused
- told a neighbour about my eating disorder
- went out for dinner with my ex's family
July 20/95
I was very tired all day. I tried to sleep at different times but it never worked out. I had no energy at all and it was so hot out and in the house. I wasn't in a good mood for most of the day. I wanted to restrict all day. I went to do some errands and it was nice to get out. I bought a muffin to eat because I was shaking and thought I better eat. When I got home all I wanted to do was sleep but I had to start dinner and clean up. I was in a crappy mood, so with the kids doing the things they did, I felt I had no "me" time. It was 8:15pm before everyone was in bed. I made a couple of calls, did my flowers, and weeded. I knew I should have gone to bed, but I wanted to do stuff for me.
Was up so much with Justine I can't even remember if I dreamed a lot. Got up and fed the kids, then I got to have my shower and breakfast. I was busy helping my ex so he could go sooner. I left for my mom's with Brent and Justine. I knew I had to get out of the house or I would go nuts. We to mom's and I loaded the table in. I was quite impressed with her actions towards the kids, she seemed to be eager to talk to them and spend time with them. Its been a while. We dropped the table off at Debbie's, then went to the park. We had lunch with my ex. I had a gross veggie burger and salad. I spent most of my time watching the kids, it was so hot today. I bought a slurpee and came home. I didn't want dinner but had a little bit. The kids took forever to settle down. Our "family & friends" is cancelled tomorrow but we still are going to grandma's. I feel like I have binged all day especially because I wanted to restrict. I went for a 25 min walk to clear my mind and to purge. It was nice. I wanted to call Linda and tell her a message but I couldn't talk. I dialed the number but nothing came out. I feel like i am losing it and have no control except my eating and I can't even do that. I don't know what to do. I have no time for myself especially this past weekend. I'm torn between going to Whistler (it turns out we couldn't go after all) with just my ex or with the kids, or both. I am afraid of Justine and her sleeping and wondering if I am coming back and the same for Brent.
July 17/95
Not a bad sleep. Justine was up twice. We kind of slept in, so I felt rushed this morning. I seem to be doing everything to avoid eating breakfast but I also end up eating it. That is my victory. Before we drove out to (my) grandma's we stopped at 7-11 and I got a coffee. My ex mad a comment about how I didn't need coffee. I never said anything but we talked about it later and I explained how I felt and I think he understood. We had a full day at grandma's, as we had to go to the lawyers. I now have power of attorney and joint ownership of the house and bank account. I went a long time without eating and I was shaking so bad. We left there at 3:45 and I had 1/2 of a sub. It was OK. I had a hypoglycemia attack and slept most of the way home.
It was so hot in our house when we got back. I fed 2 kids and got them to bed while my ex got the pizza. Craig and I ate together. Then I started my usual. I went to Pat's to drop off some stuff. We had a short visit. Overall, the day felt fine, although I am not sure if I am covering up how I really feel or what. I do know I am trying to stay busy so I don't have to feel or think. I've got plans to take the kids somewhere tomorrow so I am busy. A friend of mine isn't going to group tomorrow, I hope she is OK, and not just isolating.
July 18/95
My dreaming came back. I dreamt about living back in my old house (the one I grew up in) I always feel safe there. Brent was up first so we brought him in bed with us. Then we all got up and did our usual. I knew I had to get out of the house so we went to London Drugs and Safeway. I seemed to have to yell at the kids the whole time, but we made it through. When we got home there was a message that Linda called and she would call later. I half expected her to call at lunch or during her break. The kids had lunch then me. They went out to play and I lied down. I was so tired. Brent got up and I gave him , some lunch, then went downstairs for a bit (where it was cooler). The kids went through the sprinkler and I left around 3:00. Linda still hadn't called. I met a friend before group, it was a nice visit. I was early and I could have gone up to see Linda but I'm letting her stew. I am now at St. Paul's having my dinner and getting ready for group. It was a good meeting. It was an "anti" group, just what I needed. We talked about taking baby steps towards a healthy life. I suggested claiming victories because it helps YOU believe in yourself.
Victories (for the week)
- went to group Tue when 2 other's didn't
- talked with a friend about our relationship
- didn't lose any weight
- worked on my cross stitch and went to tanning
- had pizza, 2 fries, & ice cream
- called Linda
- bought and ate a store muffin (listen to my body)
- no laxatives
- told a neighbour I was abused
- told a neighbour about my eating disorder
- went out for dinner with my ex's family
July 20/95
I was very tired all day. I tried to sleep at different times but it never worked out. I had no energy at all and it was so hot out and in the house. I wasn't in a good mood for most of the day. I wanted to restrict all day. I went to do some errands and it was nice to get out. I bought a muffin to eat because I was shaking and thought I better eat. When I got home all I wanted to do was sleep but I had to start dinner and clean up. I was in a crappy mood, so with the kids doing the things they did, I felt I had no "me" time. It was 8:15pm before everyone was in bed. I made a couple of calls, did my flowers, and weeded. I knew I should have gone to bed, but I wanted to do stuff for me.
©KimRatcliffe