The following is a divorce letter from Mary Pat Nally. You can view her website at www.reflectingrace.com
DearED
JULY 2003
It has been a tough couple weeks. I am tired, exhausted actually. I feel as though my strength is gone. I have been thinking about how long we have been together. When I think about it, I get frustrated, angry, discouraged and empty.
I met you when I was in the sixth grade. You wanted to be my friend when no one else would. You helped me with math and spelling. Anorexia, Bulimia and Compulsive Overeating. You said #1 Don't trust anyone because they will end up hurting or leaving me. #2 Don't tell anyone anything because they really don't care anyway. #3 Feelings
are to be kept to myself.
You have saved me from conflict, kept me focus, helped me become
independent and you kept me safe. You also kept me from forming
relationships, you controlled me, you told me that the numbers on the scale was all that mattered. You were mean to me and you allowed others to be mean to me too. I was not strong enough to tell them to stop.
You taught me to hate my body, to despise everything about it. You said my hair was too curly, my shoulders were too broad, my breasts were too big, my thighs were too fat, my stomach needed to be cut out, and my calves were just huge. You convinced me that no man would ever find me attractive and that the world would be better off if I were invisible.
I appreciate you taking care of me when I needed you. I don't need you
anymore. I have been running from you for the past 12 years and wherever I go there you are, ready, willing and waiting. I have gone as far away as Alaska to try to get rid of you.I jumped out of a plane 5 thousand feet in the air, Climbed 30 ft in the air and walked along a cable, both things I did trying to get rid of you.
I loved to serve others, then you got all clingy and told me that unless
I served others they wouldn't want me around. Some days you even tried to get me to stay in bed and not go to work. That didn't work because you were sending me mixed messages. On one hand you told me to stay in bed and on the other hand you told me that I had to be the perfect teacher. You didn't care that it was my first year. You told me to get up at 4:30am to work on my lesson plans, you let my kids walk all over me. For 9 years of my life you had me running away from myself. You told me that I didn't need God and sometimes I actually believed you.
When I started teaching you tried to tell me that God didn't matter,
that sleep was more important. I have God on my side at church. I ignored you. I put my heart into my singing. I also started to form relationships with others and stayed in one place for a year. You hated that! You wanted me all to yourself.
I wasn't strong enough to keep you away. My confidence was shot
and I was afraid of people. You told me I looked like a kid and that adults were never going to accept me. You said that men would never find me
attractive. You made me afraid of myself, never comfortable in my own skin. You told me I was short, fat and ugly and I believed you. You should be ashamed of yourself, ruining my life like that. I am putting in for a divorce and taking you to court.
You are being sued for personality theft, personal damages, and I
am getting sole custody of myself. You have no visitation rights - If you try to visit I will be ready. I might not be strong now, the people around me help me to become strong. They love me, they believe in me, they value my presence on this earth.
You have destroyed too many lives. I am no longer running, I am
sitting. I am not doing, I am being. I am not dying, I am rising. I am no
longer fake, I am real. I am no longer ashamed of myself, I am proud. I am no longer dead, I am alive. Together we will become strong and put you in jail forever.
Your Ex-friend MP
DearED
JULY 2003
It has been a tough couple weeks. I am tired, exhausted actually. I feel as though my strength is gone. I have been thinking about how long we have been together. When I think about it, I get frustrated, angry, discouraged and empty.
I met you when I was in the sixth grade. You wanted to be my friend when no one else would. You helped me with math and spelling. Anorexia, Bulimia and Compulsive Overeating. You said #1 Don't trust anyone because they will end up hurting or leaving me. #2 Don't tell anyone anything because they really don't care anyway. #3 Feelings
are to be kept to myself.
You have saved me from conflict, kept me focus, helped me become
independent and you kept me safe. You also kept me from forming
relationships, you controlled me, you told me that the numbers on the scale was all that mattered. You were mean to me and you allowed others to be mean to me too. I was not strong enough to tell them to stop.
You taught me to hate my body, to despise everything about it. You said my hair was too curly, my shoulders were too broad, my breasts were too big, my thighs were too fat, my stomach needed to be cut out, and my calves were just huge. You convinced me that no man would ever find me attractive and that the world would be better off if I were invisible.
I appreciate you taking care of me when I needed you. I don't need you
anymore. I have been running from you for the past 12 years and wherever I go there you are, ready, willing and waiting. I have gone as far away as Alaska to try to get rid of you.I jumped out of a plane 5 thousand feet in the air, Climbed 30 ft in the air and walked along a cable, both things I did trying to get rid of you.
I loved to serve others, then you got all clingy and told me that unless
I served others they wouldn't want me around. Some days you even tried to get me to stay in bed and not go to work. That didn't work because you were sending me mixed messages. On one hand you told me to stay in bed and on the other hand you told me that I had to be the perfect teacher. You didn't care that it was my first year. You told me to get up at 4:30am to work on my lesson plans, you let my kids walk all over me. For 9 years of my life you had me running away from myself. You told me that I didn't need God and sometimes I actually believed you.
When I started teaching you tried to tell me that God didn't matter,
that sleep was more important. I have God on my side at church. I ignored you. I put my heart into my singing. I also started to form relationships with others and stayed in one place for a year. You hated that! You wanted me all to yourself.
I wasn't strong enough to keep you away. My confidence was shot
and I was afraid of people. You told me I looked like a kid and that adults were never going to accept me. You said that men would never find me
attractive. You made me afraid of myself, never comfortable in my own skin. You told me I was short, fat and ugly and I believed you. You should be ashamed of yourself, ruining my life like that. I am putting in for a divorce and taking you to court.
You are being sued for personality theft, personal damages, and I
am getting sole custody of myself. You have no visitation rights - If you try to visit I will be ready. I might not be strong now, the people around me help me to become strong. They love me, they believe in me, they value my presence on this earth.
You have destroyed too many lives. I am no longer running, I am
sitting. I am not doing, I am being. I am not dying, I am rising. I am no
longer fake, I am real. I am no longer ashamed of myself, I am proud. I am no longer dead, I am alive. Together we will become strong and put you in jail forever.
Your Ex-friend MP
I received this email from a woman who had a sister with an eating disorder.
I have just read your story. I had a sister die on March 31st 2005, 2 days short of her 40th birthday, of anorexia. She battled with the demon for 23 years. In reading about the voices telling you this and that was like reading the story of her life. Most of your story was like her life. The secrets, the lies, the disease telling her she had to be thin.
She was also bulimic. She bounced from very thin to a healthy weight many,many times. She lost all her teeth by age 30. She lost her hair several times. She spent many nights in the ER getting her electrolytes back in check. She isolated herself so she and the disease could live happily ever after.
And sadly, alone, on a beautiful spring morning she and her disease decided to spend eternity together. Her heart just stopped. Her kidneys had started to fail a couple of days before and she had to wear Depends. But at Easter, at XXX pounds, she still needed to loose XXX more. Now she doesn’t have to worry about the weight, the binging and purging and “feeling fat”. I think you’re pretty weightless in Heaven.
Thank you for telling your story. And I hope others read it and get help or get help for someone they know.
TERRI
I have just read your story. I had a sister die on March 31st 2005, 2 days short of her 40th birthday, of anorexia. She battled with the demon for 23 years. In reading about the voices telling you this and that was like reading the story of her life. Most of your story was like her life. The secrets, the lies, the disease telling her she had to be thin.
She was also bulimic. She bounced from very thin to a healthy weight many,many times. She lost all her teeth by age 30. She lost her hair several times. She spent many nights in the ER getting her electrolytes back in check. She isolated herself so she and the disease could live happily ever after.
And sadly, alone, on a beautiful spring morning she and her disease decided to spend eternity together. Her heart just stopped. Her kidneys had started to fail a couple of days before and she had to wear Depends. But at Easter, at XXX pounds, she still needed to loose XXX more. Now she doesn’t have to worry about the weight, the binging and purging and “feeling fat”. I think you’re pretty weightless in Heaven.
Thank you for telling your story. And I hope others read it and get help or get help for someone they know.
TERRI
The following is a poem I received.
This is our break up
The final good bye
I can now live my life
I know I have the will to try
I was having a rough time
And you brought me more pain
My friends said I was different
My family insane
I had an epiphany
It was time to move on
And I would do everything
Until you were finally gone
I worked through the chaos
And tried a coping skill
I did the best I could
My affirmation box was filled
I really learned a lot
I finally understand
That me and ED, baby
We don't go hand in hand
Jesse
This is our break up
The final good bye
I can now live my life
I know I have the will to try
I was having a rough time
And you brought me more pain
My friends said I was different
My family insane
I had an epiphany
It was time to move on
And I would do everything
Until you were finally gone
I worked through the chaos
And tried a coping skill
I did the best I could
My affirmation box was filled
I really learned a lot
I finally understand
That me and ED, baby
We don't go hand in hand
Jesse
Amy's Story
It’s hard for me to say when my eating disorder actually began. As a child I was always very anxious about everything, I was very socially anxious and had some OCD traits. I was a picky eater, but I ate a lot, and I loved junk food I would have ate nothing but junk food at that age if my parents let me. For the most part I behaved like a normal child in regards to food all through elementary school. I did not ever really think about my food intake or my body until I was about the age of 10, at that age oddly enough I thought I was to thin, I wanted to gain weight, I hated my scrawny legs, and how skinny I appeared to others. I wanted to have more muscle I wanted to look toned and athletic, my sister had the sporty build she was lean, toned, and gained muscle easily. I was the thin sister who had to work really hard to gain any sort of muscle at all. I wanted her body I envied her, people would always tell her how pretty she was and my mom and people would then go on to tell me how thin I was. I now, oddly enough, believe that being told I was thin so often as a child contributed to the onset of my eating disorder, I believe it become my identity, so when I got my period and was told by my mom I would get hips and start to look like a woman it scared me I guess, I worried it meant I would not longer be thin, and even though at the time I was 12 I never really liked be thin, and always wanted to weigh a little bit more, have a little more muscle and perhaps some more fat on me as well. The idea of no longer being the thinnest person I knew scared me, I did not want to get hips, and I did not know many adults that were thin in my mind. Then I started middle school and I actually hardly menstruated at all after that time until I was 17 for some odd reason I started again even though I was to thin at that time, and very sick from my eating disorder. Anyhow this story is to long but basically in 7th grade I went to middle school and I started feeling competitive with all the thin girls, and there bodies, but I did not really think of myself as fat until, my mom took me a psychologist for being very shy and my difficulty making friends, anyhow they made me feel like crap and said some things that I believe lowered my already low self-esteem to such an extremity that it sort of through me into the eating disorder in a way, to top it off I was weighed at one of these psychologist offices and after weighing me she reported that my weight was normal for my height. I have never heard that my weight was normal before in my life I had always been underweight, this upset me for some reason and I left feeling fat for the first time in my life. I suppose I was about 12 or 13 then. I had weird magical thinking associated with food like if ate certain foods certain whys good things would happen, I also started skipping meals, and dieting, out of fear of getting fat. Anyhow I kind of, I guess was sort of maybe on the edge or borderline or maybe mildly eating disordered up until I was 14 were I ended up getting really sick and eating hardly anything, I lost tons of weight and I don’t know was really sick, and then when I was 15 I started binging and purging and switching off between the two. And this story is already to long, but I was inpatient twice, in residential treatment saw several of different therapist who all seemed to give up on me deeming me hopeless. I don’t know why because I always tried very hard. I had a dietician who helped me out a lot, and I guess I have left the therapy setting a few months ago and have been being my own therapist. I have basically made lot of improvements mainly doing research online for my eating disorder, talking to others with eating disorders, and not giving up on myself. I have done a lot of self talk with myself, and still use self talk therapy methods that I basically discovered on my own or just basically challenging negative eating disorder thoughts to come to the spot I am in. I eat basically normal now, I eat at least 3 meals a day and normally snacks, and sometimes its more like 6 meals a day I eat anything I want and don’t deny myself anything. I did go to a eating disorder support group for a year that helped me out a lot in recovery as well but basically the support group and the dietician are the only types of professional help that have been beneficial to me. When I first was trying to recovery I was trying to be perfect I was trying for the perfect recovery I got into the disordered thinking that if I just eat normal and recovered from my eating disorder life would be perfect everyone would like me, I would have a boyfriend, I would never feel anxious or depressed, I would get strait A’s, be a great runner, maybe even go the Olympics lol. So out of the last 4 years of suffering from my eating disorder I started really trying to recover at the age of 18, I am 22 now about. I would get really disappointed when I would be eating normal and healthy and I was still anxious did not have a Boyfriend, and life was just not perfect at all. I wanted to know were my “rainbow was” I thought recovery was supposed to be perfect so it was not, and so I would relapse into my eating disorder. And little slip ups would become big relapses because I was trying to be perfect I never looked at it in terms of if I only purge or skip one meal I still will be healthier then if I am skipping meals everyday. I looked at it as I skipped one meal or purged so I might as well give up , I am a failure. So I would get really sick again and only until I got so miserable or was in so much pain psychically and emotionally would I give recovery another try. I now realize that there is no perfect recovery, that recovery is different for everyone, and that in some ways whether you call your self recovered, or say that you are in recovery it is always an on going process. I am trying now to focus on being healthier now, verses trying to be recovered. Because everyone defines recovery differently. I actually consider myself recovered to a certain degree; I don’t believe I would meet the diagnostic criteria for anorexia or bulimia at this time. I have been eating normal for months now and in some ways I feel like I have better attitudes towards food and weight then most normal people. I still struggle tho, I still have tough times, and I still feel that need to always be the thinnest but I am working at that, I am still in the process of trying to find other ways to cope which I sort of have, but every time something happens that upsets me I still find myself thinking of starving or purging as way to deal with the stressful situation in my life like I said I am still working on that. On the non eating disordered side, I still get anxious occasionally, I sometimes feel depressed, I don’t have a boyfriend, some people don’t like me (but of course some people do), my life is not perfect. So some of you might ask why I do it why I continue to stay in recovery and fight my eating disorder, when some other aspects of my life still seem so bleak. I sometimes still wonder that, but I guess the big thing with me, is I enjoy being able to think rationally; I enjoy being me in a lot of ways. When you are so underweight(or starving or purging) you can’t think rationally about anything even though I am still anxious I was a lot more anxious and depressed when I was starving. Even tho I still have problems I can think more rationally and logically about them, which makes it more likely that I will solve them. In recovery I actually can be myself, I am not always to tired to make a joke or to hang out with a friend or to even talk. When I was starving just talking in general took up to much energy, energy that I did not have. You notice things in recovery things that you never had time to notice during your eating disorder, it sounds cheesy but you realize how beautiful nature is, when I was starving I was so focused on calories, and what I would eat and how and when I would eat it I did not have time for anything else. Now in recovery I can’t figure out how I ever made time for my eating disorder, life is so busy, I wonder how I manage to function and do so well in school despite my starving. It also feels good to be able to eat and enjoy it, Food is good it tastes good, and eating is a huge part of life that makes life enjoyable. I don’t know there are so many things that make recovery better then living with an eating disorder, but for me the main thing is being able to think rationally and logically about things, my eating disorder robbed me of that. Sometimes I was thinking very illogically and did not realize it, and other times I realize it, but could not make myself think clearly so to speak and that was the worst feeling in the world. I was constantly confused when I had an eating disorder, and like I said just talking was so tiring for me, I was always to tired to enjoy doing anything, now I have the energy to enjoy things in life.
Amy
It’s hard for me to say when my eating disorder actually began. As a child I was always very anxious about everything, I was very socially anxious and had some OCD traits. I was a picky eater, but I ate a lot, and I loved junk food I would have ate nothing but junk food at that age if my parents let me. For the most part I behaved like a normal child in regards to food all through elementary school. I did not ever really think about my food intake or my body until I was about the age of 10, at that age oddly enough I thought I was to thin, I wanted to gain weight, I hated my scrawny legs, and how skinny I appeared to others. I wanted to have more muscle I wanted to look toned and athletic, my sister had the sporty build she was lean, toned, and gained muscle easily. I was the thin sister who had to work really hard to gain any sort of muscle at all. I wanted her body I envied her, people would always tell her how pretty she was and my mom and people would then go on to tell me how thin I was. I now, oddly enough, believe that being told I was thin so often as a child contributed to the onset of my eating disorder, I believe it become my identity, so when I got my period and was told by my mom I would get hips and start to look like a woman it scared me I guess, I worried it meant I would not longer be thin, and even though at the time I was 12 I never really liked be thin, and always wanted to weigh a little bit more, have a little more muscle and perhaps some more fat on me as well. The idea of no longer being the thinnest person I knew scared me, I did not want to get hips, and I did not know many adults that were thin in my mind. Then I started middle school and I actually hardly menstruated at all after that time until I was 17 for some odd reason I started again even though I was to thin at that time, and very sick from my eating disorder. Anyhow this story is to long but basically in 7th grade I went to middle school and I started feeling competitive with all the thin girls, and there bodies, but I did not really think of myself as fat until, my mom took me a psychologist for being very shy and my difficulty making friends, anyhow they made me feel like crap and said some things that I believe lowered my already low self-esteem to such an extremity that it sort of through me into the eating disorder in a way, to top it off I was weighed at one of these psychologist offices and after weighing me she reported that my weight was normal for my height. I have never heard that my weight was normal before in my life I had always been underweight, this upset me for some reason and I left feeling fat for the first time in my life. I suppose I was about 12 or 13 then. I had weird magical thinking associated with food like if ate certain foods certain whys good things would happen, I also started skipping meals, and dieting, out of fear of getting fat. Anyhow I kind of, I guess was sort of maybe on the edge or borderline or maybe mildly eating disordered up until I was 14 were I ended up getting really sick and eating hardly anything, I lost tons of weight and I don’t know was really sick, and then when I was 15 I started binging and purging and switching off between the two. And this story is already to long, but I was inpatient twice, in residential treatment saw several of different therapist who all seemed to give up on me deeming me hopeless. I don’t know why because I always tried very hard. I had a dietician who helped me out a lot, and I guess I have left the therapy setting a few months ago and have been being my own therapist. I have basically made lot of improvements mainly doing research online for my eating disorder, talking to others with eating disorders, and not giving up on myself. I have done a lot of self talk with myself, and still use self talk therapy methods that I basically discovered on my own or just basically challenging negative eating disorder thoughts to come to the spot I am in. I eat basically normal now, I eat at least 3 meals a day and normally snacks, and sometimes its more like 6 meals a day I eat anything I want and don’t deny myself anything. I did go to a eating disorder support group for a year that helped me out a lot in recovery as well but basically the support group and the dietician are the only types of professional help that have been beneficial to me. When I first was trying to recovery I was trying to be perfect I was trying for the perfect recovery I got into the disordered thinking that if I just eat normal and recovered from my eating disorder life would be perfect everyone would like me, I would have a boyfriend, I would never feel anxious or depressed, I would get strait A’s, be a great runner, maybe even go the Olympics lol. So out of the last 4 years of suffering from my eating disorder I started really trying to recover at the age of 18, I am 22 now about. I would get really disappointed when I would be eating normal and healthy and I was still anxious did not have a Boyfriend, and life was just not perfect at all. I wanted to know were my “rainbow was” I thought recovery was supposed to be perfect so it was not, and so I would relapse into my eating disorder. And little slip ups would become big relapses because I was trying to be perfect I never looked at it in terms of if I only purge or skip one meal I still will be healthier then if I am skipping meals everyday. I looked at it as I skipped one meal or purged so I might as well give up , I am a failure. So I would get really sick again and only until I got so miserable or was in so much pain psychically and emotionally would I give recovery another try. I now realize that there is no perfect recovery, that recovery is different for everyone, and that in some ways whether you call your self recovered, or say that you are in recovery it is always an on going process. I am trying now to focus on being healthier now, verses trying to be recovered. Because everyone defines recovery differently. I actually consider myself recovered to a certain degree; I don’t believe I would meet the diagnostic criteria for anorexia or bulimia at this time. I have been eating normal for months now and in some ways I feel like I have better attitudes towards food and weight then most normal people. I still struggle tho, I still have tough times, and I still feel that need to always be the thinnest but I am working at that, I am still in the process of trying to find other ways to cope which I sort of have, but every time something happens that upsets me I still find myself thinking of starving or purging as way to deal with the stressful situation in my life like I said I am still working on that. On the non eating disordered side, I still get anxious occasionally, I sometimes feel depressed, I don’t have a boyfriend, some people don’t like me (but of course some people do), my life is not perfect. So some of you might ask why I do it why I continue to stay in recovery and fight my eating disorder, when some other aspects of my life still seem so bleak. I sometimes still wonder that, but I guess the big thing with me, is I enjoy being able to think rationally; I enjoy being me in a lot of ways. When you are so underweight(or starving or purging) you can’t think rationally about anything even though I am still anxious I was a lot more anxious and depressed when I was starving. Even tho I still have problems I can think more rationally and logically about them, which makes it more likely that I will solve them. In recovery I actually can be myself, I am not always to tired to make a joke or to hang out with a friend or to even talk. When I was starving just talking in general took up to much energy, energy that I did not have. You notice things in recovery things that you never had time to notice during your eating disorder, it sounds cheesy but you realize how beautiful nature is, when I was starving I was so focused on calories, and what I would eat and how and when I would eat it I did not have time for anything else. Now in recovery I can’t figure out how I ever made time for my eating disorder, life is so busy, I wonder how I manage to function and do so well in school despite my starving. It also feels good to be able to eat and enjoy it, Food is good it tastes good, and eating is a huge part of life that makes life enjoyable. I don’t know there are so many things that make recovery better then living with an eating disorder, but for me the main thing is being able to think rationally and logically about things, my eating disorder robbed me of that. Sometimes I was thinking very illogically and did not realize it, and other times I realize it, but could not make myself think clearly so to speak and that was the worst feeling in the world. I was constantly confused when I had an eating disorder, and like I said just talking was so tiring for me, I was always to tired to enjoy doing anything, now I have the energy to enjoy things in life.
Amy
The following is a poem I received - October 2010
Drained, exhausted and feeling pushed to the brink
Despite reaching out I still feel like I’m about to sink
I’ve tried and pushed what did I do wrong
I’ve put up boundaries and felt like I don’t belong
I’ve cried and felt all these emotions I hid from for years
I’ve felt the coolness on my skin of my tears and faced my fears
It feels like all my work is crumbling and though I haven’t given in
Everything’s banging at the door my past present and future, my head’s in a spin
How do I balance recovery and the rest of my life
How do I deal with feeling like a failure and overwhelmed with strife
I’m trying so hard to believe “This too will pass”
But I feel so spent my instinct is to run away fast
Cora Wright
Drained, exhausted and feeling pushed to the brink
Despite reaching out I still feel like I’m about to sink
I’ve tried and pushed what did I do wrong
I’ve put up boundaries and felt like I don’t belong
I’ve cried and felt all these emotions I hid from for years
I’ve felt the coolness on my skin of my tears and faced my fears
It feels like all my work is crumbling and though I haven’t given in
Everything’s banging at the door my past present and future, my head’s in a spin
How do I balance recovery and the rest of my life
How do I deal with feeling like a failure and overwhelmed with strife
I’m trying so hard to believe “This too will pass”
But I feel so spent my instinct is to run away fast
Cora Wright
This Piece Is Written By A Great Lady In Recovery - October 2010
Not looking fat
It’s weird
Confusing
Too sudden and unexpected
And disappointing after waiting so long
And frightening
And upsetting
Why aren’t I pleased when it’s what I have been longing for? I just didn’t know it would be like this.
Life is suddenly not how I’ve known it for as long as I can remember. Being fat has always been a constant, a stable reliable feature of my life. Whatever country, friends, jobs, and lovers I was always fat. Fat Fat FAT.
And now today I get up like every other day and look in the mirror and I don’t look fat. I don’t look thin but I don’t look fat. I try and go back to my normality and make myself look fat but I can’t. The real truth is staring me in the face.
It’s too much to cope with so I go to the gym and run until I’m exhausted. Dysfunctional.
I came home hoping that my normality would have returned but everything is just the same- I DO NOT LOOK FAT.
But if I don’t look fat, when I know I am fat, because that is how I’ve always been, how am I going to know if I get fatter- will I be able to see it? Or will I not be able to make any sensible decision about how I look? I need to stop thinking and feeling fat to catch up with how I am now seeing myself. Maybe that’s it- yesterday I was thinking, feeling and seeing fat and at peace, now today there is a mismatch between thinking and feeling and seeing- confusing and unsettling.
I feel sad, lost and at sea. Whatever has happened to me since I was 18yr old, for 21yrs there has always been my ED. Whenever I was tired, upset, scared, lonely my ED was dependable and there for me; I hated it but it was there. And it was all mine- no one knew or talked about it or acknowledged it and even if they had, they had no chance of understanding it because even I didn’t understand it. All I understood was that it was in control and I followed its lead- it was interested in me, it cared even when no one else did.
So yes I am sad. I want to be better and free from my ED and this time I really am getting better but I am sad and scared to start afresh without my security blanket. My evil security blanket that has had a stranglehold on me-how can I not be pleased to get rid of that? Maybe because I still don’t know the good things the future holds for me in exchange for my miserable old past. Maybe until I can learn to like and appreciate food I am stuck in limbo-without my old beliefs and not yet having developed new beliefs to replace them.
This revelation has been a HUGE event that I have been waiting for- to see me as I am. Not distorted and revamped by my ED.
I never expected it to just happen one morning and not yet, maybe after I liked food and eating, not now. My mentor experienced it as the last thing in her recovery and I thought I’d be the same. I thought it would be the final marker of my recovery and something to celebrate.
A joyous occasion.
Today I don’t feel joyous and kind of feel like I have been cheated of a celebration.
Weird.
Her Second Piece
The KFC Saga
I arrived in Brisbane last night and have 4 days to rest, eat and gain weight. I woke this morning without an alarm, walked, showered, had breakfast and came out shopping about 2hrs ago. It’s now 13:30 and lunchtime is getting close to being over. I’m not hungry and could blame it on a late breakfast, or my antidepressants. I am thirsty though. I walk down the stairs in Target and out into the area of the food court that holds McDonalds, KFC, Noodle box and another chicken and chips outlet. I start to hear the internal debate. I’m trying to ignore all the voices telling me their opinions. I’m NOT going to listen. I’ve heard it ALL before.
I can’t do this, there are too many people, too much noise and they all know what they want to eat. WHY can’t I be like that???? You could be if you let yourself be- you know you want KFC. Well I’m not having it.
I’m going to go up a level to the rest of the food court.
OK let’s try again..............
Cookie Jar...........................no!
Michael’s patisserie................................no! Wish I could try something from there, maybe one day
Pizza ............................................no!
Pasta................................no! Oh macaroni cheese, love that, just keep walking you’re not having it.
Kebabs.................................no!
Sumo salads....................safe, always end up here, SICK of salads. I might as well buy one now, or I’ll only be back later. NO I don’t WANT a salad. I am keeping walking.
Sushi....................................ugh!
Sandwiches.................................too many choices.
Mexican...................................no!
Chinese........................................no!
Fish and chips .............................no!
Stir fried crap ...............................no!
And I’m back to the beginning. This is ridiculous, just make a decision and buy something!!
It’s 1345. No I can’t, I need some fresh air.
OK so what now? I know I’ll go to the Wintergarden food court; there’s no KFC there to tempt me. OK round 2:
Sandwich bar.................no! If I am going to have a sandwich I will get one from Sumo Salads
Kebab................. ugh!
Japanese................................ugh!
Pizza..............................oh they smell so good. Come on there’s no point thinking about pizza when you really want KFC; they are as bad as each other.
More fried crap and Gloria Jeans. Round 2 completed and no closer to a decision.
1400. This is stupid. I could have eaten by now and be enjoying myself again.
OK food court 3, the one at the bottom of David Jones. I can remember eating there once before with 2 friends. Ok so there is a Brumby’s bakery, Boost juices, Sumo Salads, Al Porto chicken and a Crepes stall.
Why don’t you go to Brumby’s? They will have a healthy wrap........Yummy NOT. I WANT KFC! OK so just go back there and get some. Ok I will. So I walk back to the first food court, there it is. Oh no there are long queues! That’s OK it’ll give me time to choose. Which queue shall I join? This one .........no................next one...................no......I can’t do this, oh look sign for the elevator, and get me out of here!
OK now it’s 1430. What am I going to do now? Shit I hate this.
I go into Myers – I wonder if they have a cafe? 4th floor, Gloria Jeans. OK 2 floors to go now you are going to have a drink and something to eat. Oh shit its right in front of the elevator, I’m not ready, I’ll do a circuit. Come on its small there are empty tables. It’s fairly quiet, no one’s watching. I can’t do this, don’t be stupid, of course you can. If you don’t eat soon it’ll be tea time and too late to eat lunch. Oh good 2 ladies have got there before me. Just copy them. They are having toasted sandwiches, OK that’s OK. Your turn, smile cat normal, order “a long black coffee please” and anything else? Answer her, go on, go on, OK I will, “no thanks”.
Oh please an hour and “no thanks”. Ok need a new game plan while I sit here and drink this.
OK coffee finished, back down to the basement.
Pass father and son walking up from KFC and damn it smells so good. I’m so jealous of them.
OK down one more escalator. Stay calm. Join the queue. Again. Which one? It DOESN’T MATTER, just get in the queue. Now decide................................help! Hot and spicy 2 pieces and chips, no, just chips, large chips, oh get real, regular chips, no, I need protein, wicked wings, they are nice. 3,5,10 no no no too many, too much fat, A snack pack- that sounds better 2 wings and fries. OK I’m next. Oh no he’s a trainee. Oh why me why now? He has no idea how stressful this is or how long it’s taken me to be standing here. Oh please be nice to me Mr Trainee. Oh Supervisor hello hello, nice lady! Thank you thank you lady!!! Yeah I did it!!!! Now let me out of here, quick, where’s the fastest way, ok calm, down, breathe slowly in and out, in and out. I could still throw it away, I don’t have to eat it, I should but I don’t have to. Ok now I need to find a bench away from EVERYBODY, I can’t let anyone see me eat this.
Ok I have a bench to myself away from the mall and not on a direct pedestrian thoroughfare.
I can do this. It’s just a snack pack. It’s 1515.
Open it.
I love that smell
I AM going to EAT it. I AM going to ENJOY it.
OK, eat it, savour it.
I’ll just get my book out first. Ok now I am ready.
Let me just find my water bottle. Maybe I’m thirsty and that’s all not hungry at all. I’m doing the same as I preach to obese patients at work and eating when really I am just thirsty. If I eat this it is going to make me even thirstier. Alright NO MORE EXCUSES JUST EAT! I want it soooo bad, the smell is driving me mad, I’m salivating, imaging the taste. I’m going to be really really pissed off with myself if I throw this away and that’s stupid when I am here for a good break away.
OK so EAT IT. I have a look around, I can’t help myself, I have to check no one is watching this performance. OK coast clear, no one watching. I separate the tissue leaves and pick up a wing.
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! There are 3 wings and there are only supposed to be 2! What now? No I can’t do it, I wanted 2 wings not 3, 2. OK breathe chill you don’t have to eat 3 you can just eat 2. One step at a time, eat the first wing.
I bite into the wing- crispy, hot spicy. Mmmmmmm!! Bits flake off all over. Oh this is sooooo good. I’m having the 3rd wing- wish I had bought a full size meal! And the chips, not soggy, not fried to a crisp. I must savour every mouthful and remember the taste, smell, sensation and the good feelings. The immense feeling of pride- I should be on a stage and receiving a standing ovation. But only other people who have been in the grips of an ED would appreciate winning a battle like this against ED. One victory on the road to recovery.
Written By
Allison Cupitt
Not looking fat
It’s weird
Confusing
Too sudden and unexpected
And disappointing after waiting so long
And frightening
And upsetting
Why aren’t I pleased when it’s what I have been longing for? I just didn’t know it would be like this.
Life is suddenly not how I’ve known it for as long as I can remember. Being fat has always been a constant, a stable reliable feature of my life. Whatever country, friends, jobs, and lovers I was always fat. Fat Fat FAT.
And now today I get up like every other day and look in the mirror and I don’t look fat. I don’t look thin but I don’t look fat. I try and go back to my normality and make myself look fat but I can’t. The real truth is staring me in the face.
It’s too much to cope with so I go to the gym and run until I’m exhausted. Dysfunctional.
I came home hoping that my normality would have returned but everything is just the same- I DO NOT LOOK FAT.
But if I don’t look fat, when I know I am fat, because that is how I’ve always been, how am I going to know if I get fatter- will I be able to see it? Or will I not be able to make any sensible decision about how I look? I need to stop thinking and feeling fat to catch up with how I am now seeing myself. Maybe that’s it- yesterday I was thinking, feeling and seeing fat and at peace, now today there is a mismatch between thinking and feeling and seeing- confusing and unsettling.
I feel sad, lost and at sea. Whatever has happened to me since I was 18yr old, for 21yrs there has always been my ED. Whenever I was tired, upset, scared, lonely my ED was dependable and there for me; I hated it but it was there. And it was all mine- no one knew or talked about it or acknowledged it and even if they had, they had no chance of understanding it because even I didn’t understand it. All I understood was that it was in control and I followed its lead- it was interested in me, it cared even when no one else did.
So yes I am sad. I want to be better and free from my ED and this time I really am getting better but I am sad and scared to start afresh without my security blanket. My evil security blanket that has had a stranglehold on me-how can I not be pleased to get rid of that? Maybe because I still don’t know the good things the future holds for me in exchange for my miserable old past. Maybe until I can learn to like and appreciate food I am stuck in limbo-without my old beliefs and not yet having developed new beliefs to replace them.
This revelation has been a HUGE event that I have been waiting for- to see me as I am. Not distorted and revamped by my ED.
I never expected it to just happen one morning and not yet, maybe after I liked food and eating, not now. My mentor experienced it as the last thing in her recovery and I thought I’d be the same. I thought it would be the final marker of my recovery and something to celebrate.
A joyous occasion.
Today I don’t feel joyous and kind of feel like I have been cheated of a celebration.
Weird.
Her Second Piece
The KFC Saga
I arrived in Brisbane last night and have 4 days to rest, eat and gain weight. I woke this morning without an alarm, walked, showered, had breakfast and came out shopping about 2hrs ago. It’s now 13:30 and lunchtime is getting close to being over. I’m not hungry and could blame it on a late breakfast, or my antidepressants. I am thirsty though. I walk down the stairs in Target and out into the area of the food court that holds McDonalds, KFC, Noodle box and another chicken and chips outlet. I start to hear the internal debate. I’m trying to ignore all the voices telling me their opinions. I’m NOT going to listen. I’ve heard it ALL before.
I can’t do this, there are too many people, too much noise and they all know what they want to eat. WHY can’t I be like that???? You could be if you let yourself be- you know you want KFC. Well I’m not having it.
I’m going to go up a level to the rest of the food court.
OK let’s try again..............
Cookie Jar...........................no!
Michael’s patisserie................................no! Wish I could try something from there, maybe one day
Pizza ............................................no!
Pasta................................no! Oh macaroni cheese, love that, just keep walking you’re not having it.
Kebabs.................................no!
Sumo salads....................safe, always end up here, SICK of salads. I might as well buy one now, or I’ll only be back later. NO I don’t WANT a salad. I am keeping walking.
Sushi....................................ugh!
Sandwiches.................................too many choices.
Mexican...................................no!
Chinese........................................no!
Fish and chips .............................no!
Stir fried crap ...............................no!
And I’m back to the beginning. This is ridiculous, just make a decision and buy something!!
It’s 1345. No I can’t, I need some fresh air.
OK so what now? I know I’ll go to the Wintergarden food court; there’s no KFC there to tempt me. OK round 2:
Sandwich bar.................no! If I am going to have a sandwich I will get one from Sumo Salads
Kebab................. ugh!
Japanese................................ugh!
Pizza..............................oh they smell so good. Come on there’s no point thinking about pizza when you really want KFC; they are as bad as each other.
More fried crap and Gloria Jeans. Round 2 completed and no closer to a decision.
1400. This is stupid. I could have eaten by now and be enjoying myself again.
OK food court 3, the one at the bottom of David Jones. I can remember eating there once before with 2 friends. Ok so there is a Brumby’s bakery, Boost juices, Sumo Salads, Al Porto chicken and a Crepes stall.
Why don’t you go to Brumby’s? They will have a healthy wrap........Yummy NOT. I WANT KFC! OK so just go back there and get some. Ok I will. So I walk back to the first food court, there it is. Oh no there are long queues! That’s OK it’ll give me time to choose. Which queue shall I join? This one .........no................next one...................no......I can’t do this, oh look sign for the elevator, and get me out of here!
OK now it’s 1430. What am I going to do now? Shit I hate this.
I go into Myers – I wonder if they have a cafe? 4th floor, Gloria Jeans. OK 2 floors to go now you are going to have a drink and something to eat. Oh shit its right in front of the elevator, I’m not ready, I’ll do a circuit. Come on its small there are empty tables. It’s fairly quiet, no one’s watching. I can’t do this, don’t be stupid, of course you can. If you don’t eat soon it’ll be tea time and too late to eat lunch. Oh good 2 ladies have got there before me. Just copy them. They are having toasted sandwiches, OK that’s OK. Your turn, smile cat normal, order “a long black coffee please” and anything else? Answer her, go on, go on, OK I will, “no thanks”.
Oh please an hour and “no thanks”. Ok need a new game plan while I sit here and drink this.
OK coffee finished, back down to the basement.
Pass father and son walking up from KFC and damn it smells so good. I’m so jealous of them.
OK down one more escalator. Stay calm. Join the queue. Again. Which one? It DOESN’T MATTER, just get in the queue. Now decide................................help! Hot and spicy 2 pieces and chips, no, just chips, large chips, oh get real, regular chips, no, I need protein, wicked wings, they are nice. 3,5,10 no no no too many, too much fat, A snack pack- that sounds better 2 wings and fries. OK I’m next. Oh no he’s a trainee. Oh why me why now? He has no idea how stressful this is or how long it’s taken me to be standing here. Oh please be nice to me Mr Trainee. Oh Supervisor hello hello, nice lady! Thank you thank you lady!!! Yeah I did it!!!! Now let me out of here, quick, where’s the fastest way, ok calm, down, breathe slowly in and out, in and out. I could still throw it away, I don’t have to eat it, I should but I don’t have to. Ok now I need to find a bench away from EVERYBODY, I can’t let anyone see me eat this.
Ok I have a bench to myself away from the mall and not on a direct pedestrian thoroughfare.
I can do this. It’s just a snack pack. It’s 1515.
Open it.
I love that smell
I AM going to EAT it. I AM going to ENJOY it.
OK, eat it, savour it.
I’ll just get my book out first. Ok now I am ready.
Let me just find my water bottle. Maybe I’m thirsty and that’s all not hungry at all. I’m doing the same as I preach to obese patients at work and eating when really I am just thirsty. If I eat this it is going to make me even thirstier. Alright NO MORE EXCUSES JUST EAT! I want it soooo bad, the smell is driving me mad, I’m salivating, imaging the taste. I’m going to be really really pissed off with myself if I throw this away and that’s stupid when I am here for a good break away.
OK so EAT IT. I have a look around, I can’t help myself, I have to check no one is watching this performance. OK coast clear, no one watching. I separate the tissue leaves and pick up a wing.
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! There are 3 wings and there are only supposed to be 2! What now? No I can’t do it, I wanted 2 wings not 3, 2. OK breathe chill you don’t have to eat 3 you can just eat 2. One step at a time, eat the first wing.
I bite into the wing- crispy, hot spicy. Mmmmmmm!! Bits flake off all over. Oh this is sooooo good. I’m having the 3rd wing- wish I had bought a full size meal! And the chips, not soggy, not fried to a crisp. I must savour every mouthful and remember the taste, smell, sensation and the good feelings. The immense feeling of pride- I should be on a stage and receiving a standing ovation. But only other people who have been in the grips of an ED would appreciate winning a battle like this against ED. One victory on the road to recovery.
Written By
Allison Cupitt
©kimratcliffe